October 03, 2003
More thoughts!
When I first gave my life to Christ, I learned a word that is exclusive to Christians: brokenness. As I grew in my relationship with God and learned more about the faith, I felt that I understood what that word meant. I heard people say it a lot, and understood that it was a good thing that equates with humility and a minimization of Self before Christ. It has connotations of self-sacrifice and and identification with the Cross.
My current understanding of brokenness is, as expected through time and a deeper walk with God, a little deeper than my initial encounters with the word. But it's much deeper still; I never thought that I would understand brokenness from a place of personal humility, crisis and, well, brokenness. The word which was at first academic for me is now so vividly personal. I met with my pastor yesterday, a man who has walked with me from the first encounters with the physical pain that has rocked my world and turned my theology, plans and relationships upside-down. He knows from personal experience what it means to pray without ceasing and to live waiting for answers only to hear silence at the other end of the line. He told me yesterday as I sat, completely undone emotionally, in front of him, that my relationship with Christ is probably deeper now than he's ever seen me.
The bible goes on at length about the weakest people having the most, the first place in heaven, the most faith, etc... I've read those stories over and over again and simply cannot relate myself to them. I am not Paul, Job, Peter, Esther or any of the other Bible "heroes." It's strange that in the absolute lowest place in my life, where the physical pain has reached every secret place in my soul and where I feel like I have nothing at all... I am the strongest. I don't feel strong. I feel broken, lost, unusable by God.
I am aware that my struggle has had a big effect on those in my spiritual family. There are people in my church and in my ministry who are deeply challenged by the increasing, debilitating physical pain that I find myself in. I find myself struggling with that. I always wanted to be in the limelight as a kid and a teenager, and confess to the same tendencies in my adult life as well. I'm aware that just the mere fact that I have a disability and seem to have done so well despite that is a great witness to people. But here, in this place, I don't want to be that anymore. I don't like looking at the people I love and seeing hurt in their eyes because I'm hurting. It is so hard to see other people struggling because I am. It's enough to be in pain and broken myself; it's quite another to know that other people have to go through it too.
But what of the other side? What if people didn't struggle and hurt for me? What if Pastor Ken didn't take it so personally that I am still in pain, despite laying on of hands, anointing with oil, and days and days of perseverence in prayer? I think at that point I might feel that I must bear this burden alone, that I was the only person in the world who was struggling with this.
Not only do I have a deeper understanding of brokenness, but I think I have a deeper understanding of community as well.
Thank you to Art, Ken, Seth, Heather, Fariyal, Dean, Russ, Erin, DJ, Vicki D, and all of the "family" who are bearing this with me.
When I first gave my life to Christ, I learned a word that is exclusive to Christians: brokenness. As I grew in my relationship with God and learned more about the faith, I felt that I understood what that word meant. I heard people say it a lot, and understood that it was a good thing that equates with humility and a minimization of Self before Christ. It has connotations of self-sacrifice and and identification with the Cross.
My current understanding of brokenness is, as expected through time and a deeper walk with God, a little deeper than my initial encounters with the word. But it's much deeper still; I never thought that I would understand brokenness from a place of personal humility, crisis and, well, brokenness. The word which was at first academic for me is now so vividly personal. I met with my pastor yesterday, a man who has walked with me from the first encounters with the physical pain that has rocked my world and turned my theology, plans and relationships upside-down. He knows from personal experience what it means to pray without ceasing and to live waiting for answers only to hear silence at the other end of the line. He told me yesterday as I sat, completely undone emotionally, in front of him, that my relationship with Christ is probably deeper now than he's ever seen me.
The bible goes on at length about the weakest people having the most, the first place in heaven, the most faith, etc... I've read those stories over and over again and simply cannot relate myself to them. I am not Paul, Job, Peter, Esther or any of the other Bible "heroes." It's strange that in the absolute lowest place in my life, where the physical pain has reached every secret place in my soul and where I feel like I have nothing at all... I am the strongest. I don't feel strong. I feel broken, lost, unusable by God.
I am aware that my struggle has had a big effect on those in my spiritual family. There are people in my church and in my ministry who are deeply challenged by the increasing, debilitating physical pain that I find myself in. I find myself struggling with that. I always wanted to be in the limelight as a kid and a teenager, and confess to the same tendencies in my adult life as well. I'm aware that just the mere fact that I have a disability and seem to have done so well despite that is a great witness to people. But here, in this place, I don't want to be that anymore. I don't like looking at the people I love and seeing hurt in their eyes because I'm hurting. It is so hard to see other people struggling because I am. It's enough to be in pain and broken myself; it's quite another to know that other people have to go through it too.
But what of the other side? What if people didn't struggle and hurt for me? What if Pastor Ken didn't take it so personally that I am still in pain, despite laying on of hands, anointing with oil, and days and days of perseverence in prayer? I think at that point I might feel that I must bear this burden alone, that I was the only person in the world who was struggling with this.
Not only do I have a deeper understanding of brokenness, but I think I have a deeper understanding of community as well.
Thank you to Art, Ken, Seth, Heather, Fariyal, Dean, Russ, Erin, DJ, Vicki D, and all of the "family" who are bearing this with me.
A Few Thoughts
Proverbs 14:31
He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.
What would the world look like if we had a truly biblical outlook on poverty? Over and over again I come across the attitude in conservative Christianity that the poor deserve their poverty - they must be lazy, poor stewards, unwise, etc. The Bible even shows a touch of it:
Proverbs 10:4: Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth.
But I wonder what this verse would say if I could read it in its original language. Is there a different context for this word poor? This to me seems more like poverty as a result of poor decision making. The other verses above seem to hint more at a class or wealth divide irregardless of the stewardship. Our culture is all about the accumulation of wealth, station, and power, and as a result, the poor are not only lacking in material wealth, but stigmatized by societal attitude.
Proverbs 13:23: A poor man's field may produce abundant food, but injustice sweeps it away. It is not poverty that breeds poverty, but injustice that breeds poverty.
I wonder if the call on Christians to be "in the world and not of the world" applies here. We are called to not have attitudes that are of this world, but attitudes of Heaven. And wouldn't that mean elevating the poor from a place of disadvantage to a place of equality?
I know a great Christian man who feels that countries which have great beurocratic social welfare systems breed laziness. But is that our business at all? This man told me this in Northern Ireland, the only part of the United Kingdom which is not self-sufficient, for evident political and social reasons. It was incredible to me that he would tell me this when the young people we worked with were born into political warfare in the hottest areas of Belfast during the 'Troubles.' Aren't we responsible for the members of our communities? The bible calls on us to bring equality to the poor - and until we are able to change the minds and attitudes of western society toward poverty, it is important that we address the needs and causes of poverty itself.
Proverbs 14:31
He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.
What would the world look like if we had a truly biblical outlook on poverty? Over and over again I come across the attitude in conservative Christianity that the poor deserve their poverty - they must be lazy, poor stewards, unwise, etc. The Bible even shows a touch of it:
Proverbs 10:4: Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth.
But I wonder what this verse would say if I could read it in its original language. Is there a different context for this word poor? This to me seems more like poverty as a result of poor decision making. The other verses above seem to hint more at a class or wealth divide irregardless of the stewardship. Our culture is all about the accumulation of wealth, station, and power, and as a result, the poor are not only lacking in material wealth, but stigmatized by societal attitude.
Proverbs 13:23: A poor man's field may produce abundant food, but injustice sweeps it away. It is not poverty that breeds poverty, but injustice that breeds poverty.
I wonder if the call on Christians to be "in the world and not of the world" applies here. We are called to not have attitudes that are of this world, but attitudes of Heaven. And wouldn't that mean elevating the poor from a place of disadvantage to a place of equality?
I know a great Christian man who feels that countries which have great beurocratic social welfare systems breed laziness. But is that our business at all? This man told me this in Northern Ireland, the only part of the United Kingdom which is not self-sufficient, for evident political and social reasons. It was incredible to me that he would tell me this when the young people we worked with were born into political warfare in the hottest areas of Belfast during the 'Troubles.' Aren't we responsible for the members of our communities? The bible calls on us to bring equality to the poor - and until we are able to change the minds and attitudes of western society toward poverty, it is important that we address the needs and causes of poverty itself.
Ha Ha!
Here's a Joke for you:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for$10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Calgary, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. " Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here? The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".
All in good fun.
Here's a Joke for you:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for$10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Calgary, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. " Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here? The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".
All in good fun.
