February 04, 2004
Sleepless moves to MT!
Despite the fact that I can't figure out how to make the sidebar work, I have started up Sleepless over at my new MT site: www.sleeplessinsurrey.net
Go check it out! You won't find nuthin' interesting over here anymore! (Oh, and don't forget to redirect your bookmarks and blogrolls.)
Despite the fact that I can't figure out how to make the sidebar work, I have started up Sleepless over at my new MT site: www.sleeplessinsurrey.net
Go check it out! You won't find nuthin' interesting over here anymore! (Oh, and don't forget to redirect your bookmarks and blogrolls.)
January 31, 2004
Art as prayer
Yipppeeee! I found this post as part of another one that Mike quoted in his post about prayer.
We believe that the post modern world intuits truth through art. We communicate a lot through art. So it makes sense that our prayers need to come through art. Those of us who have found ourselves, unexpectedly and unintentionally, in the postmodern stream have discovered that certain things are dead to us. The sermon for instance. It’s gone. Learning through lecture is pretty much lost to us. The same thing is happening to our traditional evangelical form of prayer. We’ve lost lecture as a form of learning; we’re beginning to lose the traditional “prayer request” form of prayer as the primary form prayer. (ThPm)
Why am I so excited? Because I just found out... that I am not alone! I was reading the first part of Rachelle's post about contemplative prayer and feeling a little sad, because that part of prayer has become very difficult for me. You see, I am now on five different medications. It's difficult to keep my eyes from crossing sometimes, let alone try to "center myself" without falling asleep. I miss just being able to do the stream-of-consciousness prayer thing and just sit before God and spill and just listen to him, back and forth. BUT, one of my favourite "active" forms of prayer that I have taken up since I got sick, is art! I'm not really all that artistic, but somehow trying to draw or collage or create my prayer is easier for me to focus and concentrate on in my hyper-medicated state... I come away feeling tremendously connected to myself, to God, and very.... fulfilled, I guess.
Even so, I'm going to get myself some prayer beads... maybe they'll help me concentrate better.
Yipppeeee! I found this post as part of another one that Mike quoted in his post about prayer.
We believe that the post modern world intuits truth through art. We communicate a lot through art. So it makes sense that our prayers need to come through art. Those of us who have found ourselves, unexpectedly and unintentionally, in the postmodern stream have discovered that certain things are dead to us. The sermon for instance. It’s gone. Learning through lecture is pretty much lost to us. The same thing is happening to our traditional evangelical form of prayer. We’ve lost lecture as a form of learning; we’re beginning to lose the traditional “prayer request” form of prayer as the primary form prayer. (ThPm)
Why am I so excited? Because I just found out... that I am not alone! I was reading the first part of Rachelle's post about contemplative prayer and feeling a little sad, because that part of prayer has become very difficult for me. You see, I am now on five different medications. It's difficult to keep my eyes from crossing sometimes, let alone try to "center myself" without falling asleep. I miss just being able to do the stream-of-consciousness prayer thing and just sit before God and spill and just listen to him, back and forth. BUT, one of my favourite "active" forms of prayer that I have taken up since I got sick, is art! I'm not really all that artistic, but somehow trying to draw or collage or create my prayer is easier for me to focus and concentrate on in my hyper-medicated state... I come away feeling tremendously connected to myself, to God, and very.... fulfilled, I guess.
Even so, I'm going to get myself some prayer beads... maybe they'll help me concentrate better.
Missions Fest
Today I was at Missions Fest down at Canada Place. I was really looking forward to this year's for some reason, and it was nice to be down there when it's not a complete zoo (it usually is during the evenings). It was nice to run in to Mike and finally meet Mike's wife, Sue. I bought one of the Global Action Canada prayer journals for my aunt Helen, hoping that it might be a real awakener for her.
I love missions fest because at best, it's energizing to be in a huge room filled with a bunch of people who love Jesus and just want to do whatever they can for him and to bring people in to the family. This year's was hard, however, because I had a new understanding and a bit of sadness at how a lot of the ministries really seemed to be so out of touch with the culture that they are trying to reach. It's the mantra (smile) of YWAM: cultural context is everything in missions. There was a whole table full of tracts. ugh.
Walked around with Amanda and Nikki from SFU and Luke from church, ran into a few people we knew, and struck up a lot of great conversations. Christians aren't so wierd after all.
Today I was at Missions Fest down at Canada Place. I was really looking forward to this year's for some reason, and it was nice to be down there when it's not a complete zoo (it usually is during the evenings). It was nice to run in to Mike and finally meet Mike's wife, Sue. I bought one of the Global Action Canada prayer journals for my aunt Helen, hoping that it might be a real awakener for her.
I love missions fest because at best, it's energizing to be in a huge room filled with a bunch of people who love Jesus and just want to do whatever they can for him and to bring people in to the family. This year's was hard, however, because I had a new understanding and a bit of sadness at how a lot of the ministries really seemed to be so out of touch with the culture that they are trying to reach. It's the mantra (smile) of YWAM: cultural context is everything in missions. There was a whole table full of tracts. ugh.
Walked around with Amanda and Nikki from SFU and Luke from church, ran into a few people we knew, and struck up a lot of great conversations. Christians aren't so wierd after all.
Purpose-driven Post
Today is day five of the Purpose driven life. Well, technically, yesterday was, but I haven't gone to bed yet (get it, sleepless...?) so it's still day 5 to me.
I had a lot of trouble with the second day. It was so difficult to read passages like these: "God prescribed every single detail of your body. He deliberately chose... every other feature. He custom-made your body just the way he wanted it." "God left no detail to chance. He planned it all for his purpose." "Nothing in your life is arbitrary. It's all for a purpose." "He has a reason for all he creates."
Before I launch into my issues with this chapter, let me say that Rick Warren's point was pretty clear to me: that everyone is valuable to God, just as they are, and that God created us to be valuable and loved. I think that's great, and I know that all of us could use reminders of that from time to time. However, I feel like Warren is painting with a pretty wide brush here. Only the average, normal people really fit into his descriptions... what about people like me, who were born with a disability? What about thalidomide babies? Warren seems to ignore a whole section of theology in his broad descriptions and rampant repetitions about how God chose every detail and had a plan for each feature... How do victims of childhood sexual abuse fit into Warren's vision of how God placed each child with their particular parents for a purpose? This chapter, read alone (as each one is intended to be read), is very exclusive of people who are different, or suffering, despite trying to convey the contrary.
I honestly had a very spiritual, emotional reaction to this passage. It was difficult for me to read it and then picture God planning this horrible pain into my life. And despite the fact that until this season, my disability has been more a blessing than suffering, am I to believe that he arranged that as well? I'm not sure if I have a problem with that, but there are many people who flat out would not believe it at all.
On the good side, I am completely blessed by my small group. It was hard breaking up our old, big "small group," and at first I was convinced that God had taken a vacation when they picked our group. We're all a little bit cynical about the hype surrounding 40 days, and all of us were pretty negative about it at first. It was hard to hear the video at first due to all the catcalls. However, we warmed up to each other and I really appreciate all of them, especially the honesty. I really feel like I could go for 40 days, meeting with these people and caring for each other and discussing the book. I could do without the video, it's a little corny, but the booklet for discussion is great. But what's new, I love small groups. I think I mentioned that already!
Today is day five of the Purpose driven life. Well, technically, yesterday was, but I haven't gone to bed yet (get it, sleepless...?) so it's still day 5 to me.
I had a lot of trouble with the second day. It was so difficult to read passages like these: "God prescribed every single detail of your body. He deliberately chose... every other feature. He custom-made your body just the way he wanted it." "God left no detail to chance. He planned it all for his purpose." "Nothing in your life is arbitrary. It's all for a purpose." "He has a reason for all he creates."
Before I launch into my issues with this chapter, let me say that Rick Warren's point was pretty clear to me: that everyone is valuable to God, just as they are, and that God created us to be valuable and loved. I think that's great, and I know that all of us could use reminders of that from time to time. However, I feel like Warren is painting with a pretty wide brush here. Only the average, normal people really fit into his descriptions... what about people like me, who were born with a disability? What about thalidomide babies? Warren seems to ignore a whole section of theology in his broad descriptions and rampant repetitions about how God chose every detail and had a plan for each feature... How do victims of childhood sexual abuse fit into Warren's vision of how God placed each child with their particular parents for a purpose? This chapter, read alone (as each one is intended to be read), is very exclusive of people who are different, or suffering, despite trying to convey the contrary.
I honestly had a very spiritual, emotional reaction to this passage. It was difficult for me to read it and then picture God planning this horrible pain into my life. And despite the fact that until this season, my disability has been more a blessing than suffering, am I to believe that he arranged that as well? I'm not sure if I have a problem with that, but there are many people who flat out would not believe it at all.
On the good side, I am completely blessed by my small group. It was hard breaking up our old, big "small group," and at first I was convinced that God had taken a vacation when they picked our group. We're all a little bit cynical about the hype surrounding 40 days, and all of us were pretty negative about it at first. It was hard to hear the video at first due to all the catcalls. However, we warmed up to each other and I really appreciate all of them, especially the honesty. I really feel like I could go for 40 days, meeting with these people and caring for each other and discussing the book. I could do without the video, it's a little corny, but the booklet for discussion is great. But what's new, I love small groups. I think I mentioned that already!
January 29, 2004
Please, please, please...
...take a look at this cartoon!
(you'll need Flash and should have your volume on)
...take a look at this cartoon!
(you'll need Flash and should have your volume on)
Ahem,
After last night's burst of anger, here's a bit of peace and hopefulness, courtesy of Henri Nouwen, one of the first people I'd like to talk with in Heaven:
"You have to begin to trust that your experience of emptiness is not the final experience, that beyond it is a place where you are being held in love. As long as you do not trust that place... you can not safely re-enter the place of pain. ...The more roots you have in the new place, the more capeable you are of mourning the loss of the old place and letting go of the pain that lies there." ~The Inner Voice of Love
After last night's burst of anger, here's a bit of peace and hopefulness, courtesy of Henri Nouwen, one of the first people I'd like to talk with in Heaven:
"You have to begin to trust that your experience of emptiness is not the final experience, that beyond it is a place where you are being held in love. As long as you do not trust that place... you can not safely re-enter the place of pain. ...The more roots you have in the new place, the more capeable you are of mourning the loss of the old place and letting go of the pain that lies there." ~The Inner Voice of Love
Remind me why I live in Canada again?
So I found out on the weekend that my much-awaited pain clinic appointment - I should say my 10-month-waiting-list pain clinic appointment - will now be more like 12 to 18 months away. What the hell do we have a health care system for, anyway? Are waitlists there just to cut down on expenses - i.e. the patient languishes for so long on a freaking waiting list that they die before they ever get treated?
I mean, come on. There are what, three million residents of BC? Maybe a half-mill more in the Yukon (who really knows? I'm not yet convinced that the Yukon actually exists). So according to the webpage for the St. Paul's Pain Centre, the one and only provincially-funded multi-disciplinary pain clinic in BC, they service both BC and the Yukon, approximately three and a half million people. And one pain clinic. The webpage states that they serve 1000 new patients a year, and 3000 continuing patients. That means that there are between 1000 and 1500 patients ahead of me on the list. Insane.
I used to be the biggest cheerleader for socialized medicine. It may be slow, but at least everyone gets the same level of care. Nobody goes without proper health care. I'm feeling incredibly disillusioned right now. I am now living proof that people go without care. Just because I won't die on the operating table if I dont' get seen in the next year doesn't mean that I am not emergent! Let me quote from a specialist:
"Early identification and treatment of intractable, chronic pain can help in effectively treating the pain. Ince neuropathic pain is well established, it tends to become more difficult to successfully manage, and more aggressive treatments may be required." (Ralph F. Rashbaum, MD)
That means that the longer I'm on the list for, the more expensive and extensive the treatments they are going to have to use. Hello? Anybody with a brain listening out there? Because I can do the math. It's far less expensive to pay the salaries of ten more pain specialists (even at US rates), than to have to foot the bill for intractable pain treatments for 1500 chronic pain patients.
I know, I'm ranting. But I deserve it. I can barely believe it. What an insult to have to find that out right when I'm at the end of my tether with the pain as it is. Right now, I'm researching pain clinics in Washington State and in Alberta in the hopes that I'll be able to get coverage from our so-called medical care system. All of the specialists I've seen so far have told me that they can't help me, I have to go to the pain clinic. Not just any pain clinic, a multi-disciplinary one that attacks pain from every angle. I don't care what it takes, I am not waiting eighteen months for relief from this kind of pain. I think that this qualifies as gross negligence on the part of the federal and provincial governments to pretend to provide medical care, to disallow the private provision of health care services that are covered by MSP, and then force people with chronic, disabling, brutal pain to wait that long for treatment.
I know that this doesn't matter quite as much to any of you as it does to me, but if you are at all shocked by my situation, may I urge you to speak to your member of parliament or MLA?
So I found out on the weekend that my much-awaited pain clinic appointment - I should say my 10-month-waiting-list pain clinic appointment - will now be more like 12 to 18 months away. What the hell do we have a health care system for, anyway? Are waitlists there just to cut down on expenses - i.e. the patient languishes for so long on a freaking waiting list that they die before they ever get treated?
I mean, come on. There are what, three million residents of BC? Maybe a half-mill more in the Yukon (who really knows? I'm not yet convinced that the Yukon actually exists). So according to the webpage for the St. Paul's Pain Centre, the one and only provincially-funded multi-disciplinary pain clinic in BC, they service both BC and the Yukon, approximately three and a half million people. And one pain clinic. The webpage states that they serve 1000 new patients a year, and 3000 continuing patients. That means that there are between 1000 and 1500 patients ahead of me on the list. Insane.
I used to be the biggest cheerleader for socialized medicine. It may be slow, but at least everyone gets the same level of care. Nobody goes without proper health care. I'm feeling incredibly disillusioned right now. I am now living proof that people go without care. Just because I won't die on the operating table if I dont' get seen in the next year doesn't mean that I am not emergent! Let me quote from a specialist:
"Early identification and treatment of intractable, chronic pain can help in effectively treating the pain. Ince neuropathic pain is well established, it tends to become more difficult to successfully manage, and more aggressive treatments may be required." (Ralph F. Rashbaum, MD)
That means that the longer I'm on the list for, the more expensive and extensive the treatments they are going to have to use. Hello? Anybody with a brain listening out there? Because I can do the math. It's far less expensive to pay the salaries of ten more pain specialists (even at US rates), than to have to foot the bill for intractable pain treatments for 1500 chronic pain patients.
I know, I'm ranting. But I deserve it. I can barely believe it. What an insult to have to find that out right when I'm at the end of my tether with the pain as it is. Right now, I'm researching pain clinics in Washington State and in Alberta in the hopes that I'll be able to get coverage from our so-called medical care system. All of the specialists I've seen so far have told me that they can't help me, I have to go to the pain clinic. Not just any pain clinic, a multi-disciplinary one that attacks pain from every angle. I don't care what it takes, I am not waiting eighteen months for relief from this kind of pain. I think that this qualifies as gross negligence on the part of the federal and provincial governments to pretend to provide medical care, to disallow the private provision of health care services that are covered by MSP, and then force people with chronic, disabling, brutal pain to wait that long for treatment.
I know that this doesn't matter quite as much to any of you as it does to me, but if you are at all shocked by my situation, may I urge you to speak to your member of parliament or MLA?
January 27, 2004
January 25, 2004
Simone Weil
I'm not even out of the introduction and I'm reading interesting stuff:
Especially at the moment when the majority of mankind is "submerged in materialism," Simone Weil felt she could not detach herself from them by undergoing baptism. To be able to love [mankind] as they were, in all their blindness, she would have to know them as they were; and to know them, she would have to go among them disguised in the garments of their own disbelief. In so far as Christianity had become an exclusive sect, it would have to be remade into a "total Incarnation of faith," have to become truly "catholic," catholic enough to include the myths of the dark-skinned peoples from a world untouched by the Churches of the West, as well as the insights of post-Enlightenment liberals, who could see in organized religion only opression and bitterness and pride. by Leslie Fiedler, from the Introduction to Simone Weil's Waiting for God
I'm not even out of the introduction and I'm reading interesting stuff:
Especially at the moment when the majority of mankind is "submerged in materialism," Simone Weil felt she could not detach herself from them by undergoing baptism. To be able to love [mankind] as they were, in all their blindness, she would have to know them as they were; and to know them, she would have to go among them disguised in the garments of their own disbelief. In so far as Christianity had become an exclusive sect, it would have to be remade into a "total Incarnation of faith," have to become truly "catholic," catholic enough to include the myths of the dark-skinned peoples from a world untouched by the Churches of the West, as well as the insights of post-Enlightenment liberals, who could see in organized religion only opression and bitterness and pride. by Leslie Fiedler, from the Introduction to Simone Weil's Waiting for God
Welcome, Atom!
Blogger is now offering site feeds via Atom. If you have specific knowledge of what that is, goodie for you! What that means for the rest of us shmucks is that people with newsreaders which are Atom-compatible can read sleepless more conveniently.
AtomEnabled.org has a list of the compatible newsreaders.
Blogger is now offering site feeds via Atom. If you have specific knowledge of what that is, goodie for you! What that means for the rest of us shmucks is that people with newsreaders which are Atom-compatible can read sleepless more conveniently.
AtomEnabled.org has a list of the compatible newsreaders.
January 21, 2004
Critique
I confess it, I am a 'wordie.' An aficionado of words, you might say. As such I believe that the egregious disrespect of words and their use demands our attention! It is no insignificant matter to banish a word from our lexicon! With that said, I will commence with my brilliant critique of the 2004 LSSU Banished Words List:
Metrosexual: A personal favourite word, I object to LSSU's reasoning that there are enough words to describe men who spend too much time in front of the mirror. In fact, I would argue that there are few such words restricted to men only, and therefore this word is a useful tool for fine differentiation. As well, the meaning of this word, like fine wine, only seems to gain relevance and colour as it's age increases!
X: Why is this one only being banished now? The only suitable time for banishment of this word would have been at the end of the drawn-out demise of the X-Files.
Place Stamp Here: Might I remind you that this is a phrase, not a word. [Ahem.] Those obviously uneducated masses who nominated this phrase for banishment were correct in nominating it, however faulty their reasoning. This phrase should be banished for practical reasons: doesn't everybody pay their bills on-line now?
Companion Animals - "They're called PETS." : This nomination, an actual quote, had me (seriously) indignant enough to perhaps merit a correction to LSSU. Companion Animals are those which are trained for the sole purpose of assisting persons with disabilities with activities of daily living, i.e. seeing-eye dogs, seizure dogs, assistance dogs for people with mobility difficulties. As opposed to pets, who simply laze about the house, eating your food, drinking from your toilet and leaving hair on your sofa.
Hand-crafted Latte: We here at Sleepless feel that it is our moral and social obligation to defend the cause of baristas everywhere from the slander waged by nominees of this word for banishment. We resent the allegation that highly-trained baristas are mere modern-day equivalents of the soda jerk. The makers of that paragon of stimulating beverages should be praised and adored for their tireless work to perk up the sleepy (or social) masses! Say it with me now: "Lattes are hand-crafted!"
I confess it, I am a 'wordie.' An aficionado of words, you might say. As such I believe that the egregious disrespect of words and their use demands our attention! It is no insignificant matter to banish a word from our lexicon! With that said, I will commence with my brilliant critique of the 2004 LSSU Banished Words List:
Metrosexual: A personal favourite word, I object to LSSU's reasoning that there are enough words to describe men who spend too much time in front of the mirror. In fact, I would argue that there are few such words restricted to men only, and therefore this word is a useful tool for fine differentiation. As well, the meaning of this word, like fine wine, only seems to gain relevance and colour as it's age increases!
X: Why is this one only being banished now? The only suitable time for banishment of this word would have been at the end of the drawn-out demise of the X-Files.
Place Stamp Here: Might I remind you that this is a phrase, not a word. [Ahem.] Those obviously uneducated masses who nominated this phrase for banishment were correct in nominating it, however faulty their reasoning. This phrase should be banished for practical reasons: doesn't everybody pay their bills on-line now?
Companion Animals - "They're called PETS." : This nomination, an actual quote, had me (seriously) indignant enough to perhaps merit a correction to LSSU. Companion Animals are those which are trained for the sole purpose of assisting persons with disabilities with activities of daily living, i.e. seeing-eye dogs, seizure dogs, assistance dogs for people with mobility difficulties. As opposed to pets, who simply laze about the house, eating your food, drinking from your toilet and leaving hair on your sofa.
Hand-crafted Latte: We here at Sleepless feel that it is our moral and social obligation to defend the cause of baristas everywhere from the slander waged by nominees of this word for banishment. We resent the allegation that highly-trained baristas are mere modern-day equivalents of the soda jerk. The makers of that paragon of stimulating beverages should be praised and adored for their tireless work to perk up the sleepy (or social) masses! Say it with me now: "Lattes are hand-crafted!"
Belief Vs. Faith
In trying to explain to a friend the theological mountain I'm currently climbing, I used a phrase I ripped off from Killing the Buddha: a metaphor for moving past the complacency of belief, for struggling honestly with the idea of God.
There's no arguing that suffering sucks. I would put it on the shelf and take up figure skating any day if I could. I'm not a stoic or monastic, and I don't believe that suffering is somehow a garden we humans should cultivate in order to grow our faith. That said, I feel like my faith is stronger now than it was when this started, if only for the fact that I know now that it has some staying-power. If I had packed it all in and jumped ship in favour of the world of secular unbelief the minute trial started, I would never have known what it meant to seriously struggle with the personhood of God, what His character truly is, not just what we write on greeting cards, and I seriously believe I would never have truly begun to understand what I now have a glimpse of: that faith is not mere belief, but it is putting your hope and identity in God even when it seems completely assinine to do so, when there is no benefit to be had there. A crude definition to be sure, but nevertheless, one that fits my own purposes!
I feel like I am now for sure struggling honestly with who God is, and who He might also be that I haven't yet considered.
I also came across a relevant quote from Jack Ellul via Waving or Drowning: Faith's power and certainty does not lie in the strength and persistence of our belief, but in the faithfulness of God.
What do you think? What has your life told you about faith vs. belief?
In trying to explain to a friend the theological mountain I'm currently climbing, I used a phrase I ripped off from Killing the Buddha: a metaphor for moving past the complacency of belief, for struggling honestly with the idea of God.
There's no arguing that suffering sucks. I would put it on the shelf and take up figure skating any day if I could. I'm not a stoic or monastic, and I don't believe that suffering is somehow a garden we humans should cultivate in order to grow our faith. That said, I feel like my faith is stronger now than it was when this started, if only for the fact that I know now that it has some staying-power. If I had packed it all in and jumped ship in favour of the world of secular unbelief the minute trial started, I would never have known what it meant to seriously struggle with the personhood of God, what His character truly is, not just what we write on greeting cards, and I seriously believe I would never have truly begun to understand what I now have a glimpse of: that faith is not mere belief, but it is putting your hope and identity in God even when it seems completely assinine to do so, when there is no benefit to be had there. A crude definition to be sure, but nevertheless, one that fits my own purposes!
I feel like I am now for sure struggling honestly with who God is, and who He might also be that I haven't yet considered.
I also came across a relevant quote from Jack Ellul via Waving or Drowning: Faith's power and certainty does not lie in the strength and persistence of our belief, but in the faithfulness of God.
What do you think? What has your life told you about faith vs. belief?
January 20, 2004
Not again....
I'm going through another rough patch right now. (Honestly, I've had enough with rough patches. They can just go suck an egg. I'm ready for some fun!) My pain levels were pretty stable for about a month, and I was just beginning to feel like I was able to move on with my life and make a few decisions, take a course, etc. Not so. Last Tuesday the pain was back and every bit as excruciating as the worst of last fall. In the last week I've had more than my share of "dark nights of the soul." It was hard - this weekend was the Sno-Way Retreat for young adults at church, and I was in charge of the non-snowboarders' events. I was pretty excited for it, but I spent a large part of the weekend sleeping, in pain, or on a LOT of medication. This is so humbling, to have the other 38 people on the retreat praying for me and knowing how incredibly broken I am right now. Sometimes it's painful to not have that privacy when you want it.
Monday night was spiritually difficult. I thought I was over the thoughts of suicide and the longing to go home to heaven but I guess not. I don't like the idea that possibly I might struggle with these feelings until the physical pain has really gone, and there's no guarantee that that will happen. I was also battling a real mean streak. If you've met me you know that I'm one of those usually happy-go-lucky peaceful compassionate people with a major chatterbox problem... but lately I've been mad at God. Not just frustrated stubbornness, but downright mad at God. Mad that I'm back here again, mad that He's letting this happen to me, mad that I feel left alone in it. My intellectual brain knows that He is here, and that there is a purpose behind it and that I have seen Him use it for other people's benefit... I even know and understand that there are many people around me supporting me, so I'm not alone at all. But try telling that to my soul.
When I picture the book that I hope to write about this experience, I hope that it's not the kind of book where people are merely encouraged by it. No offense to Joni Eareckson Tada, whom I love and have worked with her ministry; I simply feel like there is something else to be had from this experience. I want people to read about it and be challenged in their beliefs, challenged to examine their theology, not only of God but of blessing and to come out stronger. Ultimately I'd like for other people to not have to go through this in order to learn the things that I feel I'm learning.
I'm going through another rough patch right now. (Honestly, I've had enough with rough patches. They can just go suck an egg. I'm ready for some fun!) My pain levels were pretty stable for about a month, and I was just beginning to feel like I was able to move on with my life and make a few decisions, take a course, etc. Not so. Last Tuesday the pain was back and every bit as excruciating as the worst of last fall. In the last week I've had more than my share of "dark nights of the soul." It was hard - this weekend was the Sno-Way Retreat for young adults at church, and I was in charge of the non-snowboarders' events. I was pretty excited for it, but I spent a large part of the weekend sleeping, in pain, or on a LOT of medication. This is so humbling, to have the other 38 people on the retreat praying for me and knowing how incredibly broken I am right now. Sometimes it's painful to not have that privacy when you want it.
Monday night was spiritually difficult. I thought I was over the thoughts of suicide and the longing to go home to heaven but I guess not. I don't like the idea that possibly I might struggle with these feelings until the physical pain has really gone, and there's no guarantee that that will happen. I was also battling a real mean streak. If you've met me you know that I'm one of those usually happy-go-lucky peaceful compassionate people with a major chatterbox problem... but lately I've been mad at God. Not just frustrated stubbornness, but downright mad at God. Mad that I'm back here again, mad that He's letting this happen to me, mad that I feel left alone in it. My intellectual brain knows that He is here, and that there is a purpose behind it and that I have seen Him use it for other people's benefit... I even know and understand that there are many people around me supporting me, so I'm not alone at all. But try telling that to my soul.
When I picture the book that I hope to write about this experience, I hope that it's not the kind of book where people are merely encouraged by it. No offense to Joni Eareckson Tada, whom I love and have worked with her ministry; I simply feel like there is something else to be had from this experience. I want people to read about it and be challenged in their beliefs, challenged to examine their theology, not only of God but of blessing and to come out stronger. Ultimately I'd like for other people to not have to go through this in order to learn the things that I feel I'm learning.
Yet Another Purpose-Driven Something
My church is joining the purpose-driven bandwagon. I have only seen this book, never opened it, and two trusted, non-bandwagoner friends have really grown as a result of this book. However, I am skeptical. It's too big. Not the book, but the hype. It just smacks of "what would Jesus do/prayer of jabez" kind of marketing. Maybe it's just because I don't want to go along with the crowd.
That said, I love my church family. I trust our pastoral staff. I am willing to join in the hype if only because it loosely fits in with Lent and I've been falling back into old habits lately. oh and also because it involves small groups and I love small groups!
Anyhoo, expect frequent 40 days blog thoughts... walk with me as I see what's behind the hype.
My church is joining the purpose-driven bandwagon. I have only seen this book, never opened it, and two trusted, non-bandwagoner friends have really grown as a result of this book. However, I am skeptical. It's too big. Not the book, but the hype. It just smacks of "what would Jesus do/prayer of jabez" kind of marketing. Maybe it's just because I don't want to go along with the crowd.
That said, I love my church family. I trust our pastoral staff. I am willing to join in the hype if only because it loosely fits in with Lent and I've been falling back into old habits lately. oh and also because it involves small groups and I love small groups!
Anyhoo, expect frequent 40 days blog thoughts... walk with me as I see what's behind the hype.
