Sleepless...

2004-02-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

Sleepless moves to MT!

Despite the fact that I can't figure out how to make the sidebar work, I have started up Sleepless over at my new MT site: www.sleeplessinsurrey.net

Go check it out! You won't find nuthin' interesting over here anymore! (Oh, and don't forget to redirect your bookmarks and blogrolls.)

2004-01-31T01:19:00.000-08:00

Art as prayer

Yipppeeee! I found this post as part of another one that Mike quoted in his post about prayer.

We believe that the post modern world intuits truth through art. We communicate a lot through art. So it makes sense that our prayers need to come through art. Those of us who have found ourselves, unexpectedly and unintentionally, in the postmodern stream have discovered that certain things are dead to us. The sermon for instance. It’s gone. Learning through lecture is pretty much lost to us. The same thing is happening to our traditional evangelical form of prayer. We’ve lost lecture as a form of learning; we’re beginning to lose the traditional “prayer request” form of prayer as the primary form prayer. (ThPm)

Why am I so excited? Because I just found out... that I am not alone! I was reading the first part of Rachelle's post about contemplative prayer and feeling a little sad, because that part of prayer has become very difficult for me. You see, I am now on five different medications. It's difficult to keep my eyes from crossing sometimes, let alone try to "center myself" without falling asleep. I miss just being able to do the stream-of-consciousness prayer thing and just sit before God and spill and just listen to him, back and forth. BUT, one of my favourite "active" forms of prayer that I have taken up since I got sick, is art! I'm not really all that artistic, but somehow trying to draw or collage or create my prayer is easier for me to focus and concentrate on in my hyper-medicated state... I come away feeling tremendously connected to myself, to God, and very.... fulfilled, I guess.

Even so, I'm going to get myself some prayer beads... maybe they'll help me concentrate better.

2004-01-31T00:54:00.000-08:00

Missions Fest

Today I was at Missions Fest down at Canada Place. I was really looking forward to this year's for some reason, and it was nice to be down there when it's not a complete zoo (it usually is during the evenings). It was nice to run in to Mike and finally meet Mike's wife, Sue. I bought one of the Global Action Canada prayer journals for my aunt Helen, hoping that it might be a real awakener for her.
I love missions fest because at best, it's energizing to be in a huge room filled with a bunch of people who love Jesus and just want to do whatever they can for him and to bring people in to the family. This year's was hard, however, because I had a new understanding and a bit of sadness at how a lot of the ministries really seemed to be so out of touch with the culture that they are trying to reach. It's the mantra (smile) of YWAM: cultural context is everything in missions. There was a whole table full of tracts. ugh.
Walked around with Amanda and Nikki from SFU and Luke from church, ran into a few people we knew, and struck up a lot of great conversations. Christians aren't so wierd after all.

2004-01-31T00:40:00.000-08:00

Purpose-driven Post

Today is day five of the Purpose driven life. Well, technically, yesterday was, but I haven't gone to bed yet (get it, sleepless...?) so it's still day 5 to me.
I had a lot of trouble with the second day. It was so difficult to read passages like these: "God prescribed every single detail of your body. He deliberately chose... every other feature. He custom-made your body just the way he wanted it." "God left no detail to chance. He planned it all for his purpose." "Nothing in your life is arbitrary. It's all for a purpose." "He has a reason for all he creates."
Before I launch into my issues with this chapter, let me say that Rick Warren's point was pretty clear to me: that everyone is valuable to God, just as they are, and that God created us to be valuable and loved. I think that's great, and I know that all of us could use reminders of that from time to time. However, I feel like Warren is painting with a pretty wide brush here. Only the average, normal people really fit into his descriptions... what about people like me, who were born with a disability? What about thalidomide babies? Warren seems to ignore a whole section of theology in his broad descriptions and rampant repetitions about how God chose every detail and had a plan for each feature... How do victims of childhood sexual abuse fit into Warren's vision of how God placed each child with their particular parents for a purpose? This chapter, read alone (as each one is intended to be read), is very exclusive of people who are different, or suffering, despite trying to convey the contrary.
I honestly had a very spiritual, emotional reaction to this passage. It was difficult for me to read it and then picture God planning this horrible pain into my life. And despite the fact that until this season, my disability has been more a blessing than suffering, am I to believe that he arranged that as well? I'm not sure if I have a problem with that, but there are many people who flat out would not believe it at all.
On the good side, I am completely blessed by my small group. It was hard breaking up our old, big "small group," and at first I was convinced that God had taken a vacation when they picked our group. We're all a little bit cynical about the hype surrounding 40 days, and all of us were pretty negative about it at first. It was hard to hear the video at first due to all the catcalls. However, we warmed up to each other and I really appreciate all of them, especially the honesty. I really feel like I could go for 40 days, meeting with these people and caring for each other and discussing the book. I could do without the video, it's a little corny, but the booklet for discussion is great. But what's new, I love small groups. I think I mentioned that already!

2004-01-29T17:45:00.000-08:00

Please, please, please...

...take a look at this cartoon!

(you'll need Flash and should have your volume on)

2004-01-29T17:27:00.000-08:00

OMG...

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

2004-01-29T16:39:00.000-08:00

Ahem,

After last night's burst of anger, here's a bit of peace and hopefulness, courtesy of Henri Nouwen, one of the first people I'd like to talk with in Heaven:

"You have to begin to trust that your experience of emptiness is not the final experience, that beyond it is a place where you are being held in love. As long as you do not trust that place... you can not safely re-enter the place of pain. ...The more roots you have in the new place, the more capeable you are of mourning the loss of the old place and letting go of the pain that lies there." ~The Inner Voice of Love

2004-01-29T00:31:00.000-08:00

Remind me why I live in Canada again?

So I found out on the weekend that my much-awaited pain clinic appointment - I should say my 10-month-waiting-list pain clinic appointment - will now be more like 12 to 18 months away. What the hell do we have a health care system for, anyway? Are waitlists there just to cut down on expenses - i.e. the patient languishes for so long on a freaking waiting list that they die before they ever get treated?

I mean, come on. There are what, three million residents of BC? Maybe a half-mill more in the Yukon (who really knows? I'm not yet convinced that the Yukon actually exists). So according to the webpage for the St. Paul's Pain Centre, the one and only provincially-funded multi-disciplinary pain clinic in BC, they service both BC and the Yukon, approximately three and a half million people. And one pain clinic. The webpage states that they serve 1000 new patients a year, and 3000 continuing patients. That means that there are between 1000 and 1500 patients ahead of me on the list. Insane.

I used to be the biggest cheerleader for socialized medicine. It may be slow, but at least everyone gets the same level of care. Nobody goes without proper health care. I'm feeling incredibly disillusioned right now. I am now living proof that people go without care. Just because I won't die on the operating table if I dont' get seen in the next year doesn't mean that I am not emergent! Let me quote from a specialist:

"Early identification and treatment of intractable, chronic pain can help in effectively treating the pain. Ince neuropathic pain is well established, it tends to become more difficult to successfully manage, and more aggressive treatments may be required." (Ralph F. Rashbaum, MD)

That means that the longer I'm on the list for, the more expensive and extensive the treatments they are going to have to use. Hello? Anybody with a brain listening out there? Because I can do the math. It's far less expensive to pay the salaries of ten more pain specialists (even at US rates), than to have to foot the bill for intractable pain treatments for 1500 chronic pain patients.

I know, I'm ranting. But I deserve it. I can barely believe it. What an insult to have to find that out right when I'm at the end of my tether with the pain as it is. Right now, I'm researching pain clinics in Washington State and in Alberta in the hopes that I'll be able to get coverage from our so-called medical care system. All of the specialists I've seen so far have told me that they can't help me, I have to go to the pain clinic. Not just any pain clinic, a multi-disciplinary one that attacks pain from every angle. I don't care what it takes, I am not waiting eighteen months for relief from this kind of pain. I think that this qualifies as gross negligence on the part of the federal and provincial governments to pretend to provide medical care, to disallow the private provision of health care services that are covered by MSP, and then force people with chronic, disabling, brutal pain to wait that long for treatment.

I know that this doesn't matter quite as much to any of you as it does to me, but if you are at all shocked by my situation, may I urge you to speak to your member of parliament or MLA?

2004-01-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

Coooool....

2004-01-25T01:10:00.000-08:00

Simone Weil

I'm not even out of the introduction and I'm reading interesting stuff:

Especially at the moment when the majority of mankind is "submerged in materialism," Simone Weil felt she could not detach herself from them by undergoing baptism. To be able to love [mankind] as they were, in all their blindness, she would have to know them as they were; and to know them, she would have to go among them disguised in the garments of their own disbelief. In so far as Christianity had become an exclusive sect, it would have to be remade into a "total Incarnation of faith," have to become truly "catholic," catholic enough to include the myths of the dark-skinned peoples from a world untouched by the Churches of the West, as well as the insights of post-Enlightenment liberals, who could see in organized religion only opression and bitterness and pride. by Leslie Fiedler, from the Introduction to Simone Weil's Waiting for God

2004-01-25T01:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome, Atom!

Blogger is now offering site feeds via Atom. If you have specific knowledge of what that is, goodie for you! What that means for the rest of us shmucks is that people with newsreaders which are Atom-compatible can read sleepless more conveniently.
AtomEnabled.org has a list of the compatible newsreaders.

2004-01-21T23:23:00.000-08:00

Critique

I confess it, I am a 'wordie.' An aficionado of words, you might say. As such I believe that the egregious disrespect of words and their use demands our attention! It is no insignificant matter to banish a word from our lexicon! With that said, I will commence with my brilliant critique of the 2004 LSSU Banished Words List:

Metrosexual: A personal favourite word, I object to LSSU's reasoning that there are enough words to describe men who spend too much time in front of the mirror. In fact, I would argue that there are few such words restricted to men only, and therefore this word is a useful tool for fine differentiation. As well, the meaning of this word, like fine wine, only seems to gain relevance and colour as it's age increases!

X: Why is this one only being banished now? The only suitable time for banishment of this word would have been at the end of the drawn-out demise of the X-Files.

Place Stamp Here: Might I remind you that this is a phrase, not a word. [Ahem.] Those obviously uneducated masses who nominated this phrase for banishment were correct in nominating it, however faulty their reasoning. This phrase should be banished for practical reasons: doesn't everybody pay their bills on-line now?

Companion Animals - "They're called PETS." : This nomination, an actual quote, had me (seriously) indignant enough to perhaps merit a correction to LSSU. Companion Animals are those which are trained for the sole purpose of assisting persons with disabilities with activities of daily living, i.e. seeing-eye dogs, seizure dogs, assistance dogs for people with mobility difficulties. As opposed to pets, who simply laze about the house, eating your food, drinking from your toilet and leaving hair on your sofa.

Hand-crafted Latte: We here at Sleepless feel that it is our moral and social obligation to defend the cause of baristas everywhere from the slander waged by nominees of this word for banishment. We resent the allegation that highly-trained baristas are mere modern-day equivalents of the soda jerk. The makers of that paragon of stimulating beverages should be praised and adored for their tireless work to perk up the sleepy (or social) masses! Say it with me now: "Lattes are hand-crafted!"

2004-01-21T17:45:00.000-08:00

Belief Vs. Faith

In trying to explain to a friend the theological mountain I'm currently climbing, I used a phrase I ripped off from Killing the Buddha: a metaphor for moving past the complacency of belief, for struggling honestly with the idea of God.
There's no arguing that suffering sucks. I would put it on the shelf and take up figure skating any day if I could. I'm not a stoic or monastic, and I don't believe that suffering is somehow a garden we humans should cultivate in order to grow our faith. That said, I feel like my faith is stronger now than it was when this started, if only for the fact that I know now that it has some staying-power. If I had packed it all in and jumped ship in favour of the world of secular unbelief the minute trial started, I would never have known what it meant to seriously struggle with the personhood of God, what His character truly is, not just what we write on greeting cards, and I seriously believe I would never have truly begun to understand what I now have a glimpse of: that faith is not mere belief, but it is putting your hope and identity in God even when it seems completely assinine to do so, when there is no benefit to be had there. A crude definition to be sure, but nevertheless, one that fits my own purposes!

I feel like I am now for sure struggling honestly with who God is, and who He might also be that I haven't yet considered.

I also came across a relevant quote from Jack Ellul via Waving or Drowning: Faith's power and certainty does not lie in the strength and persistence of our belief, but in the faithfulness of God.

What do you think? What has your life told you about faith vs. belief?

2004-01-20T14:30:00.000-08:00
Not again....

I'm going through another rough patch right now. (Honestly, I've had enough with rough patches. They can just go suck an egg. I'm ready for some fun!) My pain levels were pretty stable for about a month, and I was just beginning to feel like I was able to move on with my life and make a few decisions, take a course, etc. Not so. Last Tuesday the pain was back and every bit as excruciating as the worst of last fall. In the last week I've had more than my share of "dark nights of the soul." It was hard - this weekend was the Sno-Way Retreat for young adults at church, and I was in charge of the non-snowboarders' events. I was pretty excited for it, but I spent a large part of the weekend sleeping, in pain, or on a LOT of medication. This is so humbling, to have the other 38 people on the retreat praying for me and knowing how incredibly broken I am right now. Sometimes it's painful to not have that privacy when you want it.
Monday night was spiritually difficult. I thought I was over the thoughts of suicide and the longing to go home to heaven but I guess not. I don't like the idea that possibly I might struggle with these feelings until the physical pain has really gone, and there's no guarantee that that will happen. I was also battling a real mean streak. If you've met me you know that I'm one of those usually happy-go-lucky peaceful compassionate people with a major chatterbox problem... but lately I've been mad at God. Not just frustrated stubbornness, but downright mad at God. Mad that I'm back here again, mad that He's letting this happen to me, mad that I feel left alone in it. My intellectual brain knows that He is here, and that there is a purpose behind it and that I have seen Him use it for other people's benefit... I even know and understand that there are many people around me supporting me, so I'm not alone at all. But try telling that to my soul.

When I picture the book that I hope to write about this experience, I hope that it's not the kind of book where people are merely encouraged by it. No offense to Joni Eareckson Tada, whom I love and have worked with her ministry; I simply feel like there is something else to be had from this experience. I want people to read about it and be challenged in their beliefs, challenged to examine their theology, not only of God but of blessing and to come out stronger. Ultimately I'd like for other people to not have to go through this in order to learn the things that I feel I'm learning.

2004-01-20T00:17:00.000-08:00
Yet Another Purpose-Driven Something

My church is joining the purpose-driven bandwagon. I have only seen this book, never opened it, and two trusted, non-bandwagoner friends have really grown as a result of this book. However, I am skeptical. It's too big. Not the book, but the hype. It just smacks of "what would Jesus do/prayer of jabez" kind of marketing. Maybe it's just because I don't want to go along with the crowd.
That said, I love my church family. I trust our pastoral staff. I am willing to join in the hype if only because it loosely fits in with Lent and I've been falling back into old habits lately. oh and also because it involves small groups and I love small groups!
Anyhoo, expect frequent 40 days blog thoughts... walk with me as I see what's behind the hype.

2004-01-14T23:06:00.000-08:00
Meetup Download

So Tuesday evening marked my much awaited second Meetup with IndieAllies. The more time I spend at meetup the more I realize how strange a title "Independent Christian Thinkers" is. Not that we aren't thinkers, but the title both sounds so official, and like a misnomer of epic proportions. Not one of us is truly independent. We all came to that table with so much of our own history, experiences, loves, hates, regrets and passions. And, I would argue, that is what makes our meetups so great.

Our topic was some monolithically large question along the lines of: What are the foundational beliefs of the emerging church? So Lisa started us off with a constructive counter: What are the foundational beliefs of the Institutional Church? That sure got us started. I didn't find that part of the discussion as interesting as the latter half, which took place at a different venue. We opted out of the live music just as the soundcheck was underway and moved to a bright, lively coffee shop down the street. The conversation just seemed to flow from student loans to debt in general to forms of church, what community is, what makes a leader worth following, where Mike and Lisa were in the "church" sense...

Maybe it was just me and my medicated brain (which was evident - there were few complete thoughts that came out intact that night with me) but things seemed a little more awkward than the last evening, but not for lack of trying. I generally had a really good time and enjoy the fellowship. It was a little hard for me to turn my chatter off at first, but the relocation helped and I enjoyed the conversation a lot more when I wasn't drowning it out.

If you haven't tried a Meetup yet, I recommend it. the Vancouver IndieAllies group is pretty great. Oh, and thanks Jamie for all the technical know-how - and Jimmy for being my designated driver!

2004-01-14T22:51:00.000-08:00
A Daily Reading

I was introduced to Anne Lamott over Christmas by the proprietors of my favourite bookstore, the Next Chapter, down in LaConner, Wa, and also partly by Mike over at Waving and Drowning. Anne is a fantastic writer who I don't even want to mar by calling her Christian and lumping her in with some of the stuff you might find in a Christian Bookstore. In fact, I'd be willing to say that no Christian Bookstore would grace their shelves with her highly irreverent, witty, completely broken and mostly humble books. You see, she has a salty tongue. And [GASP!] she's a liberal! Nevertheless, she has the kind of faith that slowed my running from God and made me believe that possibly He was a nicer guy than His actions seemed to suggest right now.... I digress. If you have never read Anne Lamott, go do so right now! I finished both Travelling Mercies and Operating Instructions within four days each. Travelling Mercies was one of those books that I felt like God waited and waited just to drop on me right when I needed it most.

So without further adieu, let me commence with a daily reading (I'm channeling my anglican roots today... more on that later):

I don't know why life isn't constructed to be seamless and safe, why we make such glaring mistakes, things fall so short of our expectations, and our hearts get broken and our kids do scary things and our parents get old and don't always remember to put pants on before they go out for a stroll. I don't know why it's not more like it is in thie movies, why things don't come out neatly and lessons can't be learned when you're in the mood for learning them, why love and grace often come in such motley packaging.

All those years I fell for the great palace lie that grief should be gotten over as quickly as possible and as privately. But what I've discovered since is that the lifelong fear of grief keeps us in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving can heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone, without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it. San Francisco is a city in grief, we are a world in grief, and it is at once intolerable and a great opportunity. I'm pretty sure that by experiencing that ocean of sadness in a naked and immediate way that we come to be healed - which is to say, that we come to experience life with a real sense of presence and spaciousness and peace. --Anne Lamott, Travelling Mercies

She's a great writer. Check her out. She also writes for Salon.com

2004-01-12T22:33:00.000-08:00
YAYYY Tuesday is Meetup Day!

find out more at indieallies.meetup.com

If you're in one of the hundreds of cities with an indie allies meetup, I hope you'll sign up for a meetup. It's a great experience!

2004-01-12T14:57:00.000-08:00
The old "re-start"

I've had the feeling for a few days that God is attempting to jump-start my spiritual dead battery. For want of a better analogy, let me say that it is hard to open the hood if you're not so sure about the jump-start itself.

Let's just say that it's been awhile since I spent any really meaningful time with God. It's amazing how tiring running can be. Somewhere before Christmas I began to feel like I was somehow cursed or disliked by God. I can't remember how it started, but I first realized it at a prayer meeting, when my pastor asked me to come up and join in praying for someone. Suddenly I felt like I was the last person you wanted associated with you; that my presence at your side while praying would render all your prayers null and void.

Partly that's because I know that it's easier to wallow than to reach; it's easier to "settle" for something than to believe for more. Maybe at some point when that utter lie entered my head, my heart just sort of gave up trying to make sense of God and what He is doing in my life and settled for the "sitting in the ashes" stage of my struggle. Understandably I've been reading Job a lot lately; when I get around to reading that whole book, I am always struck with what a process his struggle is. Just like Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was able to outline the stages of grief, I read Job and can see that he went through stages of his own. Twice Job sat in ashes and in praised God, but after Job 2, he seems to change a little bit. Okay, a lot. He curses the day he was born, rather than God Himself. At the very end of the book, Job comes around to desperate questions of who God is and why he has been left in this place.

For the last several weeks, I feel like I've been stuck in the ashes. Life's been hard, there's no denying that, but it feels now like I must have decided not to leave the grief for brighter vistas because it would entail change I'm not ready for, and work I'm too tired for. And, (gasp!) perhaps a change in life direction. Who knows?

In the end, Job doesn't ever seem to get an answer to his questions. God never restores his old family, old house, or old life. But once Job seemed to be able to come out from under the wallowing, the pain, the accusations and unhelpful comments of his friends, he asked the questions that were in his heart, then was when God "schooled" him. I'd be willing to bet that Job, as a righteous man, wasn't terribly excited about being schooled. He probably was more interested in having his life and health restored, and hearing some proper answers from God. To be honest, it irritates me that God doesn't answer Job's prayers for restoration the way he prays them, perhaps because I'm in that situation myself. But there's a little tiny verse that gets lost a lot and that means so much:

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. - Job 42:12

Job died old, full of health, I'm assuming, and surrounded by family and twice what he had originally owned.

So, how does this all relate to the spiritual "re-start?" After weeks of ignoring God because the pain of facing his questions, his beckoning out of the ashes (or even presence in them) was too great, last night just two or three random words in a worship song brought a sense of God's personality closer to me than I had had in so long. I finally didn't feel so abandoned to this 'fate.' I found myself absolutely undone. More importantly, I was able to worship Him in faith that maybe one day I would be able to see the good, understand the bad, and worship him for both.

2004-01-11T00:27:00.000-08:00
Who Would Jesus Vote For?

Who Would Jesus Vote For?
Dean Says Dean!
By TOM RAINEY (not ready for electoral politics news service)

Golgotha, USA, Jan. 5, 2004 -- The religious voters giveth and they taketh away. Howard Dean is hoping that they taketh away from Bush and giveth the presidency to Dean.

"I'm still learning a lot about faith and the South and how important it is to pander to all the god stuff," Dr. Dean, the former governor of Vermont, said, predicting he would mention God more and more in the coming weeks. "It doesn't make me more religious or less religious than I was before, but it means that I'm willing to mouth the same crap all the other politicians are."

Dr. Dean recently told an audience in Iowa that he prayed daily - that Ralph Nader stays out of the race. He named Job as his favorite New Testament book, then later corrected himself, noting that it is in the Old Testament.

"I'm pretty religious," he responded the other day in Waterloo, Iowa. "I pray every day that the economy continues to tank, but I'm from New England, so I just keep it to myself".

"Don't you think Jerry Falwell reminds you a lot more of the Pharisees than he does of the teachings of Jesus?" he added. "And don't you think this campaign ought to be about evicting the money-changers from the temple?"

In response, Jerry Falwell claimed that the Book of Job remark was clearly a cryptic wink to the "hordes of Howard Dean pot-heads who smoke marijuana with Job rolling papers". During a Sunday night sermon, Falwell added, "Howard Dean learned a lot about propaganda techniques from his Communist Junkie idol, Joseph Stalin. Dean sent that coded message to his dope fiend cadre, and the proof is that he had that 'marijuana moment brain freeze', when he forgot where the Book of Job is in the Bible".
link

2004-01-09T19:04:00.000-08:00
Friends, Neighbours, Countrymen....

...lend me your cursors! Allow me to point out a really neat liturgy/service pattern written by a guy named Corey Aldrich (perhaps not new to you, but new-ish to me) who is the bald man blogging. He's pretty hard on himself in this and subsequent posts, but I really enjoyed it, myself. I wish I could have been present for the actual service.

2004-01-09T14:33:00.000-08:00
Interesting Article

...on community in the 'post-individual' era:

So, what might the unnamable future look like for the Church if it is to regain its prophetic voice in this post-individualistic culture? Simply put, we need to seek diversity in and among our churches. A true witness to our fragmented, postmodern culture requires church unity across ethnic and socio-economic divides. Any group can create a community when everyone is the same; but, only through the power and the peace of Christ, can different cultures unite while maintaining their diverse identities. We can achieve this by planting multicultural churches, by creating local partnerships between different ethnic churches, and by establishing local cross-denominational ministry networks. This also means intentionally crossing socio-economic and class divides.

2004-01-09T14:16:00.000-08:00
The DaVinci Code

So I finished this book in a record two days or so. It is a rather compelling, easy read, chock full of explanations of the symbolism rampant in Christianity, paganism, and many other religions. I was disappointed by how the book seemed to write for the lowest common denominator - literally there wasn't a whole lot of stylistic difference from any other novel found at an airport bookseller. I was expecting something a little more literary or cerebral - or even objective?
The central thesis of this book is that there is a secret society based around France's Merovingian families which protects the 'real holy grail' and a secret within, which if released would threaten to bring down the entire church - by this I'm assuming the Roman Catholic church, because even in Brown's so-called 'true history,' he writes nothing about the protestant church while simultaneously lumping all of Christendom into one Roman Catholic bin.
Dan Brown demonizes the Catholic church but particularly a renegade sect called Opus Dei (I think - I've already lent my copy out). From this point, the author proceeds to blame every evil and injustice in the modern world on the Catholic church with some pretty flimsy evidence.
I was pretty insulted at one point in the book, but I can't tell you which part because I don't want to spoil it! You'll know it when you see it. The book redeems itself right at the end, however with a somewhat wishy-washy, drawn out finale.
If you're the kind of person who doesn't enjoy having the foundations of your faith questioned for sport, you probably don't want to read this book. I didn't mind it, but don't feel all the hype is warranted. You might want to pick up a copy when it comes out in softcover just so you'll know what everyone is talking about around the watercooler.

2004-01-09T14:05:00.000-08:00
Ecumenism(?)

This from Sweet and McLaren's A is for Abductive: (via jordoncooper.com)

At the Asian Bishops Synod hosted by the Vatican in 1998, the bishops of Malaysia, Singapore, and Brunei listed what the church could learn from other religions. Here are the "gifts" they suggested we could receive from our neighbors, if we were humble and hospitable enough.

From Muslims the Church could learn about prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.
From Hindus the Church can learn about meditation and contemplation.
From Buddhists the Church can learn about detachment from material goods and respect for life.
From Confucianism the Church can learn about filial piety and respect for elders.
From Taoism the Church can learn about simplicity and humility.
From animists the Church can learn about reverence and respect for nature and gratitude for harvests.
The Church can learn from the rich symbolism and rites existing in their diversity of worship.

How many of us bristle at the thought of "learning" from other faiths? How many of you, dear readers, had a little heart flutter when you read the above and the thought, 'pluralism!' flashed in your brain in big lights?
But I wonder, would it really be so bad? Every time I come across a news story about a particular religion speaking up for their right to worship, maintain their traditions, or even celebrate their own holy days, I think of how much I admire people of ANY kind of faith... these are the people who are willing to suspend disbelief and step into an understanding that is beyond empirical evidence. I still think that Jesus is the true way, but I admire that people of other faiths have responded to the hunger of their souls at all in a spiritual way, instead of trying to feed that hunger unknowingly with consumerism, food, alcohol, greed or any number of things.
And since when do Christians have a corner on Spiritual disciplines? This passage reminds me of a story I read about Christians teaching the gospel using the Qu'ran to Indonesian Muslims, because the concept of God is the same. I can't remember where I found this article, and I'm not sure I completely agree with it, but it's an interesting thought.
I really like that all kinds of people live in the Vancouver area. I think it's neat. (and hey, who needs to be an overseas missionary when you've got cross-cultural experiences in your backyard?!) Anyway, no real point to this post other than I wish more Christians would open their eyes a little wider and use as much good as they see in their world to expand the way they seek God.

2003-12-28T21:27:00.000-08:00
Books

As eagerly anticipated, I got lots and lots of books for Christmas! Accordingly (and far overdue) I've updated the "I'm reading" section on the left column. I expect to be blogging about SoulTsunami and the Da Vinci code in particular. For those of you foolish enough to try the da Vinci code quest found at the da Vinci Code site, you may be looking for help. If you run out of ideas, try Matt Thornton's blog, where a lovely englishman solves the whole of it for us, and adds a few more riddles of his own.

2003-12-28T19:28:00.000-08:00
I want to be a part of a mess like this!

smallritual's dissertation on the network church was fascinating to me. Here's an excerpt (but go back and read the whole thing!):
This is a possible future. Much of the institutional church has joined the network, though some remains in the old structure. Many 'parish churches' have gone, some have transformed, more 'emerging' forms have appeared - though clearly that term has a shelf life! [blue=institutional church; black=emergent church]

What particularly interested me was where this network church concerns the recent troubles in the Anglican Communion. I won't quote what he said but I'll comment:

By declaring themselves out of communion (as some sectors of the Anglican church have done over the blessing of same-sex marriage decision by the bishop of the diocese of New Westminster, the Greater Vancouver area), these sectors have attempted to cut themselves out of the network, ostensibly to punish the 'maverick' diocese, or to show where they stand on the issue. Now, I don't think that the current Western Church is at the point that this picture describes yet, not a true network. However, we as a church have made some progress along the way, and I believe as apparently does Small Ritual that this will make it more difficult for anyone to truly be out of communion.

The recent toss-up in the Anglican Church has been painful for me to watch, and I have wondered many times if perhaps God might be calling me back to the church I grew up in, simply to love and to serve a hurting communion. I grew up Anglican, in the diocese of New Westminster, but found my own personal faith when I started attending an evangelical church. Now I find myself on the outside looking in at a diocese that is seemingly imploding and I have mourned it. Small Ritual's dissertation encouraged me that by keeping my connections within the Anglican church and continuing to move along a path I'm already on, toward new and different forms of church (in all meanings of the word), I can help to 'catch' (for want of a better word) a struggling church in the network. No one need be lost from community.

2003-12-27T14:22:00.000-08:00
The End of the Postmodern Age or the Beginning?

I've noticed something. Have you?

While on one hand, lots of people like Sweet, McLaren, etc. are continuing to unpack the idea of moving Christianity and Christians into a practical theology relevant an present in a postmodern society, right wing Christians like this fella (Byfield's an old friend of my uncle as it turns out, in their early, Christian-commune, Alberta Report days) and others are trumpeting a relieving (for them) end to disturbing postmodern movements within the Christian church in North America.

So who is right? Are we taking radical, important new steps into reinventing the church (or, as I've recently heard said, the Next Reformation - make it sound more important and official, why don'tcha?), or are we seeing an upsurge in conservatism and the death of said postmodern Christian movements?

2003-12-23T23:23:00.000-08:00
Trials, Part five million

I like what Pete had to say in a reply to Trials and Pain II on Mike's blog:

"It's Friday, but Sunday's Comin'."

I just finished a long e-mail session with a good friend of mine; we are jointly experiencing the most difficult trials of our lives. Different trials, similar suffering. I just finally finished reading the journey of Mike and Sue in their loss. My heart still aches for Francois and his family. And as I sit here, I can hear the 11:00 news talking about one of the worst weeks in Israel for violence all year. And somehow, Pete's saying is not a cliche, but a profound and encouraging truth. We are currently experiencing all the darkness, evil and pain of Friday. But on Sunday the promise comes again; on Sunday we are free. And Sunday will come. That is what I signed up for.

2003-12-18T19:56:00.000-08:00
Don't you hate it when....

...it seems like you hear the same message or theme in your life over and over again, from so many different directions?

I watched a movie on the CBC last night, Kings in Grass Castles, an australian/irish production about irish immigrants to Australia before the turn of the century. It was a fascinating and heartbreaking movie, but not a place I really expected to derive lasting personal insight from.

At one point in the movie the main character loses all of his wealth in the stock market crash, his brother, and his wife all in the space of a year. He stands at the top of a hill in the Kimberly in western Australia with his long-time aborigine friend Burrakim, telling him about the story of Job. Burrakim asks why God would have taken everything from Job and Dureck replies, "I suppose, to remind Job that God is God and Job is not."

Burrakim replies, "Your God sounds like a white man."

2003-12-16T21:35:00.000-08:00
wordsmith

If you're like me and you like the yellow "Word Worm" box best when you play Cranium, then you'll like funwithwords.com.

2003-12-16T21:18:00.000-08:00
Frequently Seen on coastal BC roads:

2003-12-16T21:14:00.000-08:00
Hee Hee...

2003-12-16T20:56:00.000-08:00
Bloginality

My Bloginality is ESFP!!!

Funny... Read what it says in the description of ESFP:

You are fun, and like to make others have fun, and this will make you have a well-liked weblog. You like learning in a hands-on way, and so you may have someone else do the behind the scenes things of your blog, and just be happy making shorter posts about the people you love. Theory is not your strong point, and so long analysis wouldn't fit in with the normal posting style.

Ha Ha!

I like the bit about the fun part of me though! Christmas parties, here I come!

2003-12-16T17:30:00.000-08:00
Yay!

I now have a fotoblog!

2003-12-16T16:43:00.000-08:00
My Christmas Tree

2003-12-13T20:45:00.000-08:00
Homesick

A long time ago when I first committed my life to Christ someone once told me that (one of) the reason that God allowed me to have a disability had something to do with the fact that Sin entered the world. Now, completely setting aside the fact that at the time I truly did not believe that having a disability was, in fact, a bad thing, and I didn't really care about why I happened to be that way, I was intrigued that something that happened wayyyy long time ago could have ramifications to me in my life right then.

I don't find that explanation to be any more enlightening now, five years later, but Jamie's blog story about Holy Wasabi and his "sting of sin" concept got me thinking about it. Many of you have read my posts about my pain struggle for the last six months. Well... since the news of Francois' passing came to me I've been thinking on the concept of sin tainting our entire experience of this world.

Many times I've caught myself being overwhelmed with the effects of this incredibly crappy, fallen world. I used to only see the good parts and willfully refused to dwell on the harder parts. Now everywhere I look I am confronted with the brutal reality that on earth, all is not like it is in heaven (and I do realize that this is a function of my current circumstances, and I might one day go back to my willfull oblivion). Francois died and left his four kids and a wife behind on earth without him... I'm here, sometimes so alone, struggling with a pain that cannot be fixed or sometimes even minimized... around me I see people battling the difficulties in this world and I think... God, can't we all just go home? Please?

And then I realize that we're still here. And so there must be something left for God to accomplish, something huge and important enough to leave us here, for now, instead of bringing us home. And it's a comfort to me, somewhat, that He did not leave us here alone, but left behind his Spirit which would speak for us in groans that words could not express.

Good enough for me, hopefully.

2003-12-13T20:03:00.000-08:00
More Deep Thoughts

I've lately been thinking about just how unfamiliar and difficult the concept of God is to us. Many people try to sum him up by classifying him into different roles and 'personalities' to make him easier to swallow. Sadly, our perceptions are limited by our humanness - that is, broken, nearsighted and weak - and so any name we might apply to God only fails to encompass the whole of Him: He's Jehovah Jireh, our provider, but he also takes away; He's Jehovah Rapha, our healer, but he also allows sickness and disability.
We call God our Father and Jesus our Friend, but if any of our friends and family dared to treat us in the ways that our God does sometimes without offering a full and prompt explanation (and sometimes an apology!) we might have little desire to ever speak to Him again.

My pastor spoke last Sunday on the story of how Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead (John 11). Mary and Martha, beloved friends of Jesus, had written him to let him know that Lazarus was ill, and needed divine help. Jesus then waited several days to leave for Bethany where Lazarus was. By that time, he was dead. Martha went out to greet Him but was still confused as to why Jesus had waited. Mary stayed home, probably racked with grief and confusion. If you had sent word to your best friend, a talented doctor, that your beloved brother was dying of the very thing your friend was trained to heal, where would you be? Would you be minimizing it, pretending that nothing could have been done anyway, or would you be upset, not understanding why your friend had betrayed your trust in his skills?
Case in point: Jesus is not merely a friend. I think we minimize the Godhead when we limit them to the roles of friend or Father. They are God. That's not an easy thing to understand but it must be understood: God does not simply exist to meet our own needs for comfort and friendship. He has higher goals along with these.

In John 11:4, Jesus decides to serve a higher goal than simply giving the sisters the life they asked for. When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." Jesus was the friend and comforter that they needed, but not before challenging the sisters to believe that God's goals were bigger, and that his ways were greater than simply bringing Lazarus back to health before he died. Jesus turned out to be a whole lot more than either of them understood him to be.

How many of us would ask for our personal bubble idea of God to be broken in this way? It's painful! Mary and Martha went through the hell of watching their brother die and believing that their close friend had betrayed them, only to see Lazarus resurrected and have their concepts of God completely expanded.

My question is whether any of this is truly worth the concept of God that comes out of it. At the beginning of my struggle with pain I remember a time of incredible intimacy with God and a passionate desire for Him to reveal more of himself to me and to conform me more to his image. Well, guess what. He's doing it. And I find myself in that place of wondering whether I'll make it through the "stretching," and whether whatever understanding I'll come to on the other side will be worth the pain it took to get me there.

I wonder if Jesus wondered that on the cross. But then again, he's God. We were worth it to him. Amazing.

2003-12-13T19:33:00.000-08:00
Dear Santa...

Awww... check out these letters to Santa from years gone by.

2003-12-10T16:12:00.000-08:00
Rememberance

I'd like to take a moment to remember a very special person, Francois Murenzi, a Rwandan Anglican Minister whom I met while doing missions work in Bray, Ireland. He was recently killed in a car accident, four months after taking on his first official minister posting at a new church in England. He leaves behind four children and a wife, Susan. His death was a huge shock to me. Francois was an amazing person whose faith had a huge impact on me.

Read the sermon from his funeral.

2003-12-10T16:10:00.000-08:00
Busy?

Haven't posted in awhile for a few reasons... first of all, I've been busy! How great is that! My church's Christmas Dessert Theatre production has been underway for the last week or so so I've been busy setting tables and doing makeup for the cast.
Second reason is that I used to do my major blogging up at school where the internet access is free. Hah. I got my car towed for having too many unpaid parking tickets in one of the visitor parking lots... get this: one or two of the tickets are for parking in a handicap stall... If you knew me you'd understand that I am one of the few who actually have one of those handicap parking placards. My oh my. Anyway, I have an understandable aversion to parking at school now.

2003-12-02T14:50:00.000-08:00
Justice still exists!

Rumsfeld wins UK 'Foot in Mouth' award

Tuesday, 02 December , 2003, 09:20

London: A bizarre comment by US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the hunt for Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was awarded the "Foot in Mouth" prize on Monday by Britain's Plain English Campaign.
Rumsfeld, renowned for his uncompromising tough talking, received the prize for the most baffling comment by a public figure.

"Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know," Rumsfeld told a press briefing.

"We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

John Lister, spokesman for the campaign which strives to have public information delivered in clear, straightforward English, said: "We think we know what he means. But we don't know if we really know."

2003-11-28T00:48:00.000-08:00
Happy American Thanksgiving, Everyone!

I'm back in La Conner, WA again, celebrating my very first american turkey-day. We're actually consuming the bird on Friday so that the neighbours can join in the merriment. For those who are scratching their heads, American Thanksgiving is approximately six weeks after Canadians celebrate thanksgiving, the second sunday in October. I can tell you already, it is a MUCH bigger deal down here...

They even wear holiday-themed sweaters. It's so.... wrong.

2003-11-28T00:33:00.000-08:00
Faith and Science

I'm a microbiology major at one of the most left-wing, hard core environmental science universities in Canada (why, you ask? God put me here before I knew him - and even SFU needs Jesus.) and I frequently come across all manner of ways that faith and science can't be reconciled. But, in a fit of pique the other day, I stumbled across one way that the two areas can be very similar:

As a scientist, when new evidence, behaviour or information is uncovered that does not match with what is expected, established or understood, we don't discard the new data automatically as untrue or invalid. Scientists would continue to question, to investigate, because this difficulty in reconciling the two sets of information may in itself hold new information that would expand on our understanding of the first. Further testing ensues!

As a person of faith, when a particular response of God or circumstance in His light does not seem to match with my own understanding of him or how he has spoken to me in the past, it may be tempting to want to discard the new response as invalid, or of my own doing, or even to throw out the old because it does not match the new... but the better path seems to me to be the scientific one - to observe, question, investigate the idea that this new response or new 'data' may in fact expand the original knowledge and experience of God, not invalidate it.

Okay, minus all the formal jargon, this is where I was really going with this: If what I knew of God was one particular thing, an emphasis on one part of his character, or a few things 'on His heart,' and I then went through an experience where God changed the way he spoke to me or my circumstances changed drastically (like, say, your health falling out from under you!), it does not necessarily mean that a) my old understanding was actually wrong (that I made a mistake to trust in God) or b) that the new information is untrue or unfaithful (that the desert I am going through now is somehow unfaithful and apart from how God communicates to his people). It means that in the massive soul-searching that ensues trying to reconcile the old and the new, a new understanding is reached about God and his character that expands on the initial experience.

Did that make any sense at all?

2003-11-28T00:14:00.000-08:00
Hey, Rod!

I liked some of what Rodney, the Oz Cyclist had to say on his blog:

Like so often before, I'm left waiting for this guy to have that aha! experience. That moment when he realises that the people who need to hear this stuff and experience the performance won't walk through the doors of his church. The people who will walk through the door are those invited as friends of members of the church - and hey - shouldn't they be introduced [to] Jesus by their friends anyway? Nov. 27/03

We are multi-faceted creatures and most of the time we can slip between each facet without changing who we are. Why is this important? We need to be aware that while we must create 'church' that fits our community as a natural expression of our lives, we musn't be afraid to incorporate some concepts that are 'other worldly'. We don't want to create 'false segments' in our lives but we must understand that we naturally vacillate between roles without compromising the integrity of who we are. Nov. 26/03

2003-11-26T15:20:00.000-08:00
Passion

I've been thinking a lot about passion lately. Not the sexual kind but the "steely determination" kind. I don't understand how in the world lukewarm and Christian (or for Mike, 'Christ-follower') can exist in the same sentence. Every time I read about the irresistable aroma of Jesus, how his very being demanded that people leave where they were, follow him, and believe, I see nothing but passion there, nothing but full immersion in his life. There's a lot of lip service done to "extreme faith" in youth groups these days, but there's something in that - there is no room in the Gospel for waffling, half-way, inbetween sort of spirituality, it is essentially an all-or-none kind of proposition. One guy couldn't even go back to get his affairs in order and say goodbye to his mother - Jesus compelled him to come, right then.

I have several people who I am very close to who believe that being a good person and respecting others and occasionally going to church amounts to being a Christian. That confuses me more every time I encounter it: I see no room for that kind of belief in the gospels. Paul rails against it in his epistles. Peter envisioned it in revelation:
I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth. Rev. 3:15,16

That said, I know that there is room for questioning, inquiring faith... for people who genuinely don't know and want to find out the mysteries of God. In the bible I see examples of people who struggle in their faith, who wrestle, work it out with fear and trembling, who doubt. There is even room for genuine unbelievers... but it is the in-between, I'm-Okay-You're-Okay philosophy that I don't understand. How do you get through this life that way?

I struggle to know how to interact with these people whom I am close to when the subject of spirituality comes up. Inevitably, the friction point is always the exclusivity of Jesus, the fact that he is the only way to God and that we need to see him as our Lord (the one who controls our lives) and Saviour (the one who saved us from death). It's not like I'm preaching hard-nosed doctrine, but this exclusiveness is foolishness to them, it makes no sense and seems closed-minded, I know. On most things, I'm a pretty middle-of-the-road, accommodating, flexible kind of person. But on faith, I don't see how that works at all; I must be a very black-and-white kind of person.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just in an on-the-edge kind of place in life. Any comments?

2003-11-25T10:01:00.000-08:00
More Merton

More Thomas Merton:

The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.Thomas Merton (1915 - 1968)

2003-11-25T09:47:00.000-08:00
This is me

I absolutely had to steal this from Jonnybaker's blog. It is so me:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. -Thomas Merton

2003-11-25T09:39:00.000-08:00
Wheeee!!!

It snowed a bunch up on Burnaby Mountain. The glass roof of the Convocation Mall at SFU is now covered with snow, which gives a strange, dim feeling to everything below it. Granted, this is the webcam so if you read this in a few hours the snow will be gone, but the early bird gets the worm, so to speak!

2003-11-24T15:33:00.000-08:00
New Look!

Thanks Jamie, for some tips on how to add a little flair to the old blog. Orange was getting a wee bit too 70's for me.

If you don't like the colour scheme, not my fault! I used the ColorMatch thingie to 'co-ordinate.'

2003-11-24T12:34:00.000-08:00
Oldie but a goodie

Had to put this back up, it's worthy of a second posting.

Go to google, type in weapons of mass destruction and hit "I'm feeling lucky". You should get this: 404 Error.

2003-11-24T12:21:00.000-08:00
I am OFFICIALLY bored

The official webcam of developmental biology's favourite specimen, xenopus laevis.

Feel like channelling your childhood? Check out the Speak 'n Spell online! ( I think the author of this flash app must have even more time on his hands than I do.)

Keep in mind that this has less dirty languange than your average feature-length action film, but all the same, not for our younger viewers. The end of the world according to hamncheese.

2003-11-24T12:08:00.000-08:00
Oooohhhh, Aaaaahhhhh....

Okay, I just had to find something to compete with mike's beautiful west coast pictures on his blog. Below is a webcam of western washington, looking at the olympic mountains, part of my parents' "backyard."

http://www.drdale.com/cam/index.htm

2003-11-23T00:51:00.000-08:00
WARNING! EXTREME VULNERABILITY FOLLOWS!
Throw off that which so easily entangles

A pretty rotten day for pain has brought me to thinking about the line between giving up and going on.

It's pretty hard for me to ignore Hebrews 12 and it's rah-rah stadium-style encouragement of Christians to draw strength from those who have gone before us and to finish the race. But shouldn't it be pretty hard for ALL of us to ignore? I struggle to maintain perspective throughout this physical struggle of mine, to remember that people everywhere are at various stages of their own monumental struggle: the lead-up, the peak, the desert and the finish. I guess the writer of Hebrews, and ultimately our father knew that too, because there it is in front of us, more poignant than a Hallmark card: Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

So what enables the weary traveller to kneel down, lace up their sneaks one more time and race like never before for a prize never seen, a goal never understood, a destination never beheld? I've heard more than a few stories lately about people's own journeys, being battered by people, churches and religion, and it makes me wonder the same thing. What enables those wounded many to say with their soul what they can't with their lips: I will not leave Your presence, though this church, these people, are not my home.

One of my favourite lines to one of my favourite songs goes like this: In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade/and he carries a reminder of every bloke who laid him down/or cut him till he cried out, in his anger and his shame/I am leaving, I am leaving. But the fighter still remains... What Paul Simon wrote is such a strong visual for me and raises emotion for me similar to the first few verses of Hebrews 12.

I can only conclude that there is some kind of draw on us, an inborn idea that somehow the goal is real, the prize is worth this life. How else could we mortal humans practically translate a mere word, endure, into a physical action that would result in a race finished, a struggle over come, a battle won? Again I return mentally to the concept that all scripture is without Spirit is mere words on paper, meaningless until God-breathed. All Hebrews 12 is without Jesus' feet walking daily before me, His Spirit speaking daily to me, is exactly that, just a Hallmark card.

It is only the Spirit in me that raises an arm long after I've gone down for the count.

I am leaving I am leaving but the fighter still remains

2003-11-22T15:01:00.000-08:00
Where you least expect it...

I'm back in La Conner, WA for a couple of days, and made my customary pilgrimage to the Next Chapter bookstore and coffee shop in town yesterday with my dad.

Have you ever had that experience where comfort and insight comes when you least expect it from the most unlikely sources? John (proprietor of the Next Chapter) and I got into a long, deep conversation about presence, hospitality, the prodigal son, and what is really important when your whole world falls apart. I don't know John terribly well, but we connected on that level of shared experience which neither of us realized we had. I thought that maybe he had been reading my blog and following some of my recent physical struggles, but it was news to him when I finally got around to talking about it.

Anyway. It was funny because my dad was there for much of the conversation, trying to get his verbal spars in (as he always does in theological discussions - he has a rather wholistic, buddhist-ish way of approaching spirituality most times) here and there. When we finally left, Dad asked what that conversation was all about, what the point was, I couldn't sum it up for him any better than to say, "we did a little church in there. All of us."

It was exactly what I needed. And I suspect, what John needed too.

2003-11-22T14:22:00.000-08:00
Typepad

Can anyone out there reccommend Type Pad blogging software? I like the blogs I see which use it but I'm not sure how easy it is to change over my blog to type pad. Any comments?

2003-11-20T18:18:00.000-08:00
Okay, one more...

From Bono's speech to the Liberal Party Convention:

Bono: (laughs) That's right, he doesn't need your help. You go, "I can help God here, I'm sure he's stuck, those kids in Africa and all; I'll help." God doesn't need your help, but, there's a blessing. Somebody said to me - I said this to you last night. A wise man, a spiritual man said this: he said, stop asking God to bless what you're doing, Bono. Find out what God's doing; it's already blessed.

You don't have to guess what's on God's mind. If you're looking for God, and can't find God, he's with the poorest, most wretched, most vulnerable lives. That's where God hangs out. If you want to get closer to God, that's a key. In your own moments of despair, in your own moment of wretchedness, you're also closer to God. But I don't talk about God very much because I'm not a very good advertisement for it.

from beth's blog

2003-11-20T16:50:00.000-08:00
Yahooooo!

Along the lines of Pete Rollins' -10 to +10 spirituality scale, I heard some fantastic news on Tuesday. A friend of mine who has been an atheist but exploring Christianity for several months now recently told me that she believes she is now a Christian, as in having committed herself to following Christ.
I have greatly respected her and her real honest desire to understand more about who Jesus is. She grew up in a culture where he is not taught or worshipped in the mainstream at all, and so she has had to start from only a historical understanding of Christianity and has really set herself to absorbing as much as possible and thinking about it. One of her biggest struggles is that she couldn't see or hear God, despite many Christian people trying to explain about a personal relationship with Him.
She is different, I could tell that something had changed in her outlook even before she told me about her decision. Sometimes I forget how intrinsically attractive Jesus is... that it's not just our culture or history that makes us seek him, but his qualities alone that draw people to himself.

2003-11-20T16:25:00.000-08:00
Music

Considering that a scant two weeks ago, worship was about the most difficult thing in my life and a constant reminder of my own brokenness (still is, actually), read the following recommendation:

If you have any affinity at all for alt worship music (NA style), check out David Crowder's latest, Illuminate. As always, Crowder and his band do kick-ass hymns, but the strength of this album is how it is put together. I've never been one to analyze the very structure of a particular album, but this is one that you don't pop in the CD player and hit 'Random.' it is a beautifully crafted, lovingly created piece of worship, one that doesn't leave the bitter 'rock concert' taste in your mouth. The past few days I've had trouble listening to this one without needing to bow down before Jesus... not something I've done a lot of. Lots of worship songs to me seem to be self-focused, but I found none of that on Illuminate.

2003-11-20T16:12:00.000-08:00
Oooo.... Good Article!

From The Ooze:
To put this in analogical terms, if there exists in church a rule of no umbrella-opening indoors, the POMO idea is to ask "why not?"

"Because it's not right," is scoffed upon... but... "because four out of five eye-pokes in churches happen from open umbrellas" would actually be more likely accepted, assuming the reasoning was found to be logical. Or, perhaps eye pokings in general would need to be investigated and prevented, rather than just umbrellas. Postmodern mindsets need to take things to their logical extremes.

Here, then, is the question. (and the tie-in for the title.) Will the POMO movement be defined by what goes on during this time period? Or will the true characteristics come through enough to classify it? And more importantly, with Postmodernism moving steadily to the forefront of ministry, What, if anything, will take its place at the cutting edge? Or is this just a fad?

2003-11-20T15:54:00.000-08:00
Trouble-making for it's own sake

From David's blog:

I try to follow/priviledge/enact the message of Jesus Christ, the Kingdom of God, but I'm tired of being "about" stuff. I'm tired of the authority structures, localized church celebrities, and marketing the next big movement of the Spirit.

Ouch. This is something I've often wondered about, possibly because, although I love the feeling of being "caught up" in something exciting, I hate the idea of 'fads' in church, even when they are dressed up as a "new movement of the spirit." I want this 'emerging church' thing to be about more than a bunch of church burn-outs, authority-phobics and dreamers, I want to be part of something that is more grassroots than that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we could really get caught up in post-modern emergent-ism for it's own sake, instead of simply as a lens through which to see the truth more clearly.

I had lunch with my pastor's wife today. When I first met her, she represented everything that made me uncomfortable about the evangelical church. She was this perfect woman, perfect mom, perfect servant/host/worship leader, and someone that I dismissed as irrelevant in the 'real world.' I'm glad to say that I was able to see past my own disillusionment with the evangelical church and my own jaded viewpoint to realize what a truly great person she is, how unlike my first perception of her she is. How does this relate to the above? Well, we can get so wrapped up in a 'different move of God' and the emerging church that we forget that for many many people, evangelicalism is working, and not only working, it is changing, growing and genuine.

To my surprise, I saw more of my own church in A New Kind of Christian than I thought I would. I'm gratified to realize that it's possible for a modern church to grow and change and become more interesting and more conscious than before, to transition into post-modernity gradually.

So let's not be muckrakers just for its own sake. Sometimes there's life left in the modern that needs to be nurtured and discipled from the inside, to be discipled into an emergence of its own.

2003-11-19T15:12:00.000-08:00
More on Bounded vs. Centred Sets

As Lisa suggested, here's a low-tech way of representing the sets:

Bounded:
(+)

Centred:
->+<-

So I've been doing some more thinking. When I was with YWAM, our last speaker was a guy named Pete Rollins, a PhD Philosophy student at Queens University Belfast, and his topic was Evangelism in a post-modern world. It was our last week of teaching before our big cross-cultural outreach, but that's not why it had such an impact on me.

I'm still impressed with an image he left us with: Rather than thinking of our lives in relation to the kingdom of God as an in-or-out concept, he drew a scale on the board, with a hypothetical 0 in the middle, with the scale going from -10 to +10. On our scale, the -10 represented a total non-believer, i.e. someone who had never encountered the Gospel before or was completely hostile. +10 was someone who was a sold-out, Jesus-believing Christian. Pete suggested to us that our roles as Christians in this culture is not neccessarily to induce someone into 'praying a prayer' or confessing their sins, but to walk with them along the journey from one end of the scale to another. We might not ever see them cross the 0 mark (possibly signifying a confession of faith in Christ), but our jobs are to, by our lives with God, bring the people we meet a few more steps along the scale.

What I particularly like about this concept is not just that there is no magic moment, like the line around the cross in the bounded set, but that there is room for almost everybody. This 'scale' is not exclusively designed to delineate the degree of belief or unbelief, but it applies to all of us and can illustrate that by walking along with someone closer to Christ, we ourselves get closer too. It has a slightly different scope but seems to be closer to the 'centred sets' idea that we talked about at meetup.

2003-11-18T15:45:00.000-08:00
Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance

Every day I walk across the Convocation Mall at SFU and I see the sign slung over the balcony rail advertising the Falun Dafa community at SFU. The major words on the sign are truthfulness, compassion, forbearance. I also frequently pass a sign in the window of one of the campus meeting areas advertising a weekly campus worship meeting for one of the Christian clubs on campus. The major word visible there is simply the name of the worship service.

The Falun Dafa sign makes me wish that Christians were more able to communicate the true qualities that they consider to be valuable, or that Jesus considered to be valuable. Instead of simply a poster advertising with the name of the worship service, would it possibly be more thought-provoking to post a banner in a visible place that said (in large letters): Humility. Compassion. Love. Truth. Sacrifice. Community. fridays, 4pm, Forum Chambers). Those words almost compel me more than the words church, minister, outreach, service, etc.

So how to creatively communicate what a new kind of Christian looks like in words that have jarring meaning in our culture? I think that part of the reason that the Falun Dafa sign is so attractive is that those three qualities that it lists are uncommon, valuable and hard to define... and therefore appealing almost because of their counter-culture status. We live in an age of branding, so it seems almost trite to point out that Christianity's brand is not the name Christian, but what's inside (or supposed to be. I bristle at the idea of using slogans or brands to describe or advertise Jesus, somehow it seems irreligious. But just as campbell's soup advertises using the words hearty, thick n' chunky, etc... perhaps we need to be more explicit in 'advertising' Christianity using the qualities which are expected to be found inside. Could it help people to understand when they have stumbled across 'Christ-followers' and not just no-name-brand Christians?

2003-11-18T15:14:00.000-08:00
Yaconelli pt. 2

I wrote about the tragic death of Mike Yaconelli a few weeks ago and followed the links back to his site with Youth Specialties, the ministry he founded. There I found that in lieu of flowers and cards, the family (his wife, Karla) has asked that donations be made to three ministries that were close to his heart. When I visited the page, I found that none of them were Youth Specialties, but instead were ministries which impacted Mike or that he had seen valuable ministry in. Somehow this simple thing touched me. They could have welcomed donations to YS, after all, it is a supported ministry as well. But they wanted to share the wealth, so to speak, so that Mike's death and people's rememberances of him would minister to an even wider group than he did in his life. Notable in the list is the L'arche Daybreak Community, where Henri Nouwen lived and wrote in his later life.

2003-11-18T14:41:00.000-08:00
Amazing Race

So somehow I am now in charge of planning an Amazing Race for my young adults' group at church for the non-boarders on the Snowboard Retreat. The hitch - it's in Kelowna, a city I love and know a good deal about, but don't live in. Another hitch - I've never seen the show before so I don't know how it works! Yikes! Can anyone out there give me a synopsis of how the show works? Or suggestions for Kelowna destinations?

2003-11-18T14:25:00.000-08:00
Think outside the box....

World's first inflatable church opens for business in England
By SUE LEEMAN
LONDON (AP) - It's got its own steeple and pews, it could float if necessary - and for a fee, the devout can erect it wherever they want.

A movable blowup PVC structure billed as the world's first inflatable church welcomed its first worshippers Tuesday, and its owner said it is already drawing interest from around the world. Some 14 metres from floor to steeple, 14 metres long and eight metres wide, the church made its debut at the Christian Resources Exhibition at Sandown Park Exhibition Centre in Esher, west of London.

Interesting idea... I guess it truly doesn't matter where we worship, but could you imagine trying to hold a traditional communion service in this thing? Wine everywhere, little bread crumbs stuck in the corners...

2003-11-17T13:12:00.000-08:00
And the screws turn tighter...

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons....No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. (Heb. 12:3-7,11-13)

Yet another passage of scripture that I can barely read. The reality of it seems like such a big lie, but yet I know unquestionably that God exists and that He loves me... but this just seems so backwards. Discipline I understand. But punishment?

I've been struggling under the weight of some heavy questions lately. My pastor covered the story of the woman with the bleeding disorder who touched Jesus' robe (Mark 5:25-34) yesterday and I was so challenged by it. It's impossible for me to not identify with her. I am in a place of desperation for God to act, but I can't see it. I am forced by that to consider the possibility, not that God can't act, but that He won't act on my behalf to bring healing from this pain. What if this is my test, my chance to carry a cross, and I am unable to bear it? Why did her faith make her well and mine not? Must I wait 12 years for that kind of healing (Mk 12:34)? What a horrible thought.

For most of my life I have lived in the glow of redemptive reality. Just the fact that I was born with a disability and I have seen God use it for so much in my life and the lives of other people convinces me of God's power and desire to redeem suffering for his purposes. I know that it is possible, but I find myself disappointed that I don't want that to happen in this situation. I am like someone clinging to a palm tree in a tropical storm, battered by the wind and rain and flood but unwilling to let go of the idea that there is still solid land left to hold on to. I refuse to believe that God will leave me in this situation. He says that he will give me a way to stand up under it, but that feels like such a lie sometimes. I struggle to believe even that God would not tempt me more than I could bear. I don't want to believe that this is it. I'm mad.

Consider this my cosmic temper tantrum.

2003-11-14T15:28:00.000-08:00
Bounded Sets vs. Centred Sets

This was one of the most intriguing ideas to come out of our IndieAllies Meetup: The concept that there may indeed be no set "line" that encloses all Christians in a sphere in relationship around Jesus (a bounded set), but that the direction we are pointing to in relation to Christ at the centre may be more important and influential as a measure of our relationship to Him (a centred set). I wish I could draw it for you like I did in my notebook.

A pastor who lead me to faith in Christ, Jamie Osborne, once described a similar idea to me. What if the direction we are heading in is vastly more important than the distance from the goal? I think of the thief on the cross. As far as his whole life went, he was far, far from any saving belief in God. But at the last moment, he changed his direction and threw his small faith behind Jesus. He didn't know a lot, or have many years of stalwart faith behind him, but we are told that this last-minute direction change got him into heaven.

At the same time there were scads of totally faithful Jews, who did what the pharisees said must be done to honour God, they went to temple and made the sacrifices that were needed... but they lacked the direction that comes from Jesus. If you think of planets orbiting a sun, they were some of the closest, but with a direction that could send them glancing off of the sun's orbit and out into the empty unknown.

For then the question isn't Where are you before God? It's rather, Are you a member of our group? (Are you really?) Those responsible for the integrity of the group usually see to it that the marks of group membership are endorsed by the authority source-in our case, a set of interpretations about the Bible. So for example, issues such as whether you believe that women should be allowed to teach or whether Christ will return soon after the millennium may be used as tests whether or not you believe the Bible-and that test of whether you are evangelical (or was that "Christian"?). And so on. -Dallas Willard, The Post-Evangelical (reprinted from jordon's blog)

Think back to that bounded set. At some point the line purposely becomes a tool to trip people up, and to keep people out.

2003-11-14T14:47:00.000-08:00
Meetup

Tuesday night I went to my first Meetup with the International Indie Allies... it was an odd group, but a great time. What a challenging, passionate discussion - my very favourite kind. In a bit I'll post some observations from our discussion.

2003-11-14T14:39:00.000-08:00
Fridges?
(shamefully stolen from Jamie's blog)

Have you ever despaired over the innards of your fridge? Have you ever wondered if you were the only one with food that moved on its own? Wonder no longer: The webfridgeproject is here.

2003-11-14T12:38:00.000-08:00
Miracles

The central miracle asserted by Christians is the Incarnation. They say that God became man. Every other miracle prepares the way for this, or results from this. - CS Lewis

This quote really caught my eye. And to think that I had trouble believing for a creative miracle when the greatest evidence of the miraculous is right before my heart, the One who saved me from death.

Wow.

2003-11-14T12:36:00.000-08:00
Exhibitionists get what they pay for....

Kevin's mom discovers his blog - and so, therefore, does the rest of the world through this article. It pays to remember that blogs are public. If you only knew what I really thought....

smile.

2003-11-04T15:06:00.000-08:00
Hey, Cool! Check this out!

maybe you have to be a science geek to like it but I was fascinated.

2003-11-03T13:02:00.000-08:00
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD .

-- Lamentations 3

2003-11-03T12:59:00.000-08:00
Rocks

When I was in Northern Ireland I was totally blessed to go to Worship Watch, a four-hour sustained time of music-led worship, at CFC Belfast. I remember a song from that time that I haven't heard since, and one of the lines went like this:

And I will not be put to shame
By rocks that will cry out Your name
I will praise you Lord

I was these words which echoed in my head last night. All Creation was made to worship God, and if we don't, the very rocks will do that job for us. (Luke 19:37-40) It is so incredibly hard to find worship within me when life is so ugly. But times like last night (see below) make me realize that whether I plan to or not, I am created to worship my Father in heaven. My pride and stubbornness will not let rocks cry out the name of the Lord ahead of me.

But that doesn't solve the problem of what to say or do when there is simply nothing left within you to say to God, let alone praise Him. My friend Lorna ran Psalm 13 past my eyes in the form of a song by Brian Doerksen.

Psalm 13 is a lament, written to God at an incredibly low point in (I'm assuming) David's life. Yet David did not cease his communication with God - he lamented. He groaned. He praised: But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me. (Psalm 13:5,6) I've struggled for the last several months to feel like I was in the midst of God; I cannot bring myself to sing the words of the happy songs, and even Blessed be the name is too close to where it hurts for me to sing honestly. But I can lament. And the fact that so many of the Psalms are laments, and the Psalms are featured so prominently in the Bible tells me that laments have their own place in worship of God.

I think that our God does not as much want greeting-card type sentiments sent his way as authentic, deep expressions of our own experience walking with him.

Laments are the voice of those who miss Heaven.

2003-11-03T12:25:00.000-08:00
Dangerous Wonder

Last week, Mike Yaconelli died in a car accident. He was the author of my favourite book on Christian life, Dangerous Wonder. if you haven't read it, please do. It's an amazing book, and a short read. Mike Yaconelli was the leader of Youth Specialties, an American teaching ministry to youth leaders and pastors. I'm sad that he's left us here. But I'm glad that he's left us. Know what I mean?

2003-11-03T12:17:00.000-08:00
Clarity

Whatever I have is given of God - because all I feel like doing right now is joining Job in his pile of ashes. More on this later.

I feel the need to clarify this last. I was not intending to claim that God has given me this period of suffering, or even that he caused me to hurt in the first place (because suffering and pain are two different things), but to say that whatever wherewithal or energy I have to worship with comes from God. I simply feel like I have nothing to offer in worship to Him who created me at this point in time - life just plain hurts. So whatever I offer in worship to him is simply what he gave me in the first place - there is no longer any 'muscling in' to the presence of God, or making a show of worship. I simply can't do that anymore.

Case in point - last night at Jacob's Well I was not expecting to enter in to worship in a big way. I was having a bad day and just didn't feel like doing much. I have already shed so many tears that I am constantly surprised if I am able to shed more (and I always am!). Needless to say I was surprised when out of nowhere during worship I could not help but lift my hands to God and weep and offer all of my latest struggles up to Him. I have not been able to do that until now - there's something about suffering and struggle that has made my heart almost resentful - I haven't felt able to authentically take my struggles to the Cross because it so hurts to even look at them myself.

So anyway. It was an enormously impactful night for me last night. Almost enough to wipe away the previous horrible week. It's days like today that make me wonder how all of this is going to turn out.

2003-10-29T12:32:00.000-08:00
More Musings

a friend writes...
But alas, it's been 11 years and I'm still here, in pain, 24-7.
He's sustained me when I don't have the strength my self.
Pain sucks like nothing else.
I feel for you Josie.
I'm sorry.

I can't really explain how significant his own identification with suffering has been to me. When I read these few lines, I teared up, right here in the middle of the library at SFU.

It got me to thinking about joy and suffering. I've had a joy about me seemingly since birth. There have been ups and downs but I've been able to find something good about it and endure joyfully.

How authentic is my witness if I am like Satan thought Job was, a disciple who only blessed God because things were good, or because his health was intact? What witness does the last 23 years have if I am not able to continue in it now?

I'm not seriously worried about this, but interested. I'd rather people see my real self at this moment in time than put on Joy for old time's sake. I just wish that my real self at this moment in time had some joy to put on. Whatever I have is given of God - because all I feel like doing right now is joining Job in his pile of ashes. More on this later.

2003-10-28T11:17:00.000-08:00
Sorry...

I am so tempted to say sorry every time I bring up what is going on in my life now that pain has become a part of it. I am so conscious of society's desire to not be reminded of hard, painful things, but at the moment, that's just where I'm at. So there.

From a recent letter to a friend, who happened to ask the right questions at the right time to get me to do some much needed thinking out loud:

Thankfully, though I'm totally devastated emotionally
by this news, I'm also realizing that I may be made of
tougher stuff than I thought. I have absolutely no
idea how I will simply get through each day of my
future without going bananas from pain. There have
been days where I was sure that the pain was so strong
that my body would dry up and blow away somehow... but
I'm still here. And here I am, two weeks later almost,
and though I still have three packages of kleenex in
my purse (I bought the ones printed with cool stuff -
one package has the mona lisa printed on the tissues
themselves!), I am at school, not crying, looking
forward to Christmas when I get to visit my friend
Kelly in Pennsylvania, etc. etc. Seth said to me this
morning that I looked more myself, and I replied that
sometimes I'm just able to get up, pull my socks up
and forget that there's any horrible diagnosis looming
over my head... it's when I stop, or spend any time
alone that I remember and I feel like I've fallen into
a deep hole. Saturday night was like that, a deep,
pervasive, sucking unhappiness. I came home, and went
to bed. It was a good solution, I felt better in the
morning. Sometimes it smacks of avoidance, and
sometimes it's just a good coping mechanism to allow
me to get through difficult times.
...
I don't want to fade away either. I have a definite
feeling of "rage, rage against the dying of the light"
in me. My friend Fariyal maintains that "you are not
going to go down this way. I don't believe that this
is what God created our bodies to be, and I don't
believe that this is what you are here for to begin
with." I love her for being mad for me, mad enough to
decide not to believe it, when it's the only thing
that I can see sometimes. Sometimes I just want to
crawl into my dark hole and die, and sometimes I never
want to see another dark hole again. It's a crazy, up
and down kind of life for me. I can't imagine how it
will ever be any different, but at the same time, I
know it has to be - because when I have the emotional
energy to (like today), I refuse to believe that this
part of my life is permanent.

I know that there will be days when my e-mails and my
conversations with people will be sad, depressing and
vacuous. Those are the days when I can't forget
earthly wisdom - that I feel doomed to the future the
doctors have identified so carelessly for me. And then
there are those lovely few days when my e-mails will
be like this one, pondering, thoughtful, daring to be
have hope even when it hurts to. These are precious
days when I choose to fight - against my future, my
sickness, and my own discouragement. I remain under a
deep blanket of sadness and discouragement - but there
are these days when, through the warp and weave, I can
see the sun. It doesn't yet feel warm, but it is
bright.

2003-10-27T14:54:00.000-08:00
The latest from the pain front

I don't know how many or who reads this blog, so for some of you these regular posts referring to my struggle with pain may be confusing. The crash-course update goes like this: I was born with a disability similar to Spina Bifida. I am now 24 and use a wheelchair full-time, am active, athletic and generally happy. Five months ago, I began to experience a strange and brutal pain from which there seemed to be no escape. By July I was completely unable to finish my courses at SFU; by the end of September, the pain was bad enough to give me nightmares and significant anxiety about sleeping, being alone, or having another 'episode' where the pain would be at an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. ten days ago I was diagnosed with Arachnoiditis, for which there is no treatment or escape. Here is where we pick up the story:

Tomorrow the bible study I co-lead at SFU will be looking at Hebrews 4 and Isaiah 53 and talking about Christ identifying with our sufferings, and His desire for our wholeness - read: physical healing. This is tremendously intimidating for me as it was only last week that the girls in my study gathered around me to pray for my own physical healing. This season in my life has unquestionably been the most difficult ever and I constantly wonder if I will ever make it through. But I have definitely been stretched spiritually, particularly in the area of how God feels about healing. I never wanted it before now - because I never felt that I needed it. Being born with a disability means that I have never really known any other kind of life, and I was quite happy to go about living an abundant life on wheels instead of on foot. That was before pain wracked my nights and days and has limited me in my relationships, academics and future. I am not being dramatic here; go to google and look up "neuropathic pain" and read some of the descriptions there to give you an idea of what life is like.

However, as much as my life has been limited, it has as much been expanded into places and planes I had not previously experienced. I mentioned being stretched, particularly in my theology of healing. I had never let anyone pray for me for healing before, and I think had hands layed on me for prayer at least once a week for the last five months. I've also grown in my appreciation of the truly important things. It reminds me of Corrie ten Boom's time in concentration camps, when the smallest blessings seemed the biggest and any communication from God was a holy event. I am at a point in my life where I live hanging on to the last thing God told me because the medical community has no answers or solutions, and secular culture tosses the unhealable aside like lepers. To be succinct, I need God now, more so than I ever have, and though this place is a miserable, painful place to be, it is also a place of tremendous growth.

There's a plant called a fireweed which grows only in places which have been recently ravaged by forest fires. It is a beautiful, colourful plant which attracts pollinators and is a catalyst for regeneration of the ecosystem. To me it's an awesome illustration of God's own system of redeeming the horrible into the beautiful. I may sound heretical when I say that I am not completely sure whether any of this is worth the growth that has come of it - I am in a stage of acute hopelessness. But illustrations like this give me an idea that it is possible that redemption could come of this situation, and that grace that's bigger than I can imagine might be waiting around the corner.

2003-10-27T14:34:00.000-08:00
blogroll

...step right up and view for yourself three recent additions to the sleepless blogroll to your left:

julio: a friend from church, also known as 'boogie.' He sings, he dances, he plays the piano - and directs the Christmas Desert Theatre Choir! Also known as 'terpsichorean,' his is a blog you don't want to miss!

adam: yet another post-mod blog, this one by an astute beginner youth pastor somewhere in the middle of idaho.

alex (this one not a girl): how can you pass up a visit to a blog which describes it's author as: "philosophy student and amateur theologian, designer, musician and ladies' man. "

2003-10-27T14:16:00.000-08:00
Church of What's Happening Now

I had an interesting conversation with my dad the other day. We were driving past His Place, a church in Burlington, Washington, which has a building which looks like Noah's Ark. My dad mentioned that it's "definitely a 'church of what's happening now'" and I asked what he meant by that (me being 24 and him being 60, I missed out on a lot of things he's seen!). According to my dad, it means a church that promotes or performs whatever is most likely to "get them in the doors" on a Sunday morning, in other words, gimmicky, pop-culture religion.

This brought me back to thinking about the place of the pursuit of cultural relevance in the post-modern church. A book title I saw in the Christian Bookstore (that bastion of post-modern irrelevance), Prophetic Untimeliness: challenging the idol of relevance, got me thinking of a huge danger of post-modern Christians - worshiping the idol of relevance. Now, I haven't read the book, so I might have totally misinterpreted the title, but I can truly see how we may totally sacrifice our heavenly citizenship in favour of relevance on a grand, post-modern scale. It's like so many things in our Christian life: it's all about the balance. On one hand, we cannot afford to, as a church, remain mired in tradition and religion when relational Christianity is so evidently needed to an orphaned generation. On the other hand, we run the risk of being so 'relevant,' we muddy up the message. It reminds me of how, in high school, I tried to be everything to everyone in order that I become more popular. In the end, my ultimate goal was not met, and I was more unhappy than ever. Not only was I still unpopular, but I also had little self-identity left.

How can we as post-mod Christians avoid leaving this lack of Christian self-identity to our children's generation?

2003-10-24T12:20:00.000-07:00
From Adam:

What have we created? We have taken Jesus’ words: “I am not of the world” and taken them to the extreme, using them for the basis of our creating a very unbiblical Christian subculture. We have this idea that since Jesus said he wasn’t of the world, therefore, we cannot be of the world, and that means we need to get out of the world – to separate ourselves from the world. We have felt the need to create ‘safe alternatives’ to the world’s evil activities. We have felt the need to simply create Christian versions of that which is "secular."

However, I find it pretty ironic that we, as Christians, have built our own Christian ghetto and moved in and many of us are living happily in our Christian ghetto. We’ve even put barbed wire on the top of the wall to keep anything from getting in. And there we are…in our Christian ghettos…where are the sick? Where are the pagans….? Well, they can’t relate to our Christian subculture. In fact, many non-Christians find it frustrating.

Exactly. My roommate Eva and I were talking about conspiracy theories again, this time to do with how general society is slanted toward the strong 'contributors' to society, whereas the sick, weak and vulnerable have no voice, no access, no hope. I find myself lately in the 'vulnerable' category and realize that if you don't ask for it, the medical community won't offer help. Is this the kind of ghetto that Christians are replicating for themselves? If you or your condition at all challenge the Christian status quo, whether by illness, hardship or differing opinion despite your own Christianity, you don't get in the North American Christian barbed-wire homestead.

Just some ramblings.

2003-10-24T12:00:00.000-07:00
Check it out

I came across wikipedia the other day, a multi-lingual, user-friendly web encyclopedia where users get to edit the entries. There are entries on everything from Canadian politicians to minor turns-of-phrase. Updated by the day. Fascinating!

2003-10-18T19:44:00.000-07:00
Pull the world out from under me...

For those of you who have been following my recent struggle with severe neuropathic pain in my legs, I have an update. On Friday I was told by my neurologist that the MRI reveals arachnoiditis. It is a severe inflammation of the arachnoid layer, a membrane surrounding the spinal cord and spinal fluid. The inflammation is sometimes seen in people who have had multiple spinal cord surgery (I've had four), and is caused by scar tissue buildup.

I was floored at the news that there is no treatment for it. More surgery would simply multiply the problem. My neurologist knew of no treatment for it, and felt that it would not improve.

I don't even need to say what a huge impact this has made on me. All I can think of now is that this monolithic struggle that I've been under for the last five months may now stretch into a lifetime. I just can't do that. I feel sick just thinking about it. Is this what my life is about... being bedboud and heavily medicated for months at a time because there is no treatment for my pain?

My friend Fariyal said, "you're not going down this way. It's not allowed. This is not how it is supposed to be for you!" I could have kissed her for saying that. I am not through the grief part yet, but part of me is fully into anger - not at God but at pain, at doctors, at this horribly twisted and cruel world in which pain is not simply a natural part of life but malfunctions into a pathology all of itself. Who the hell are they to say that there's nothing left that they can do for me?

No. I have things to do. Doesn't my body know that?

2003-10-14T15:45:00.000-07:00
Bookshelf

I finished Red Rabbit on Saturday, and as a Tom Clancy fan, I found it abbreviated, fluffy and, well, fun, compared to his normal fare. Having read The Bear and the Dragon, I'm wondering if our Tom is now giving his ideas to a ghost writer to write while he enjoys some fame and fortune. His latest books seem so unlike all of those before. Less technical writing, less military intrigue, less in the way of interwoven plotlines, more profanity, and in the case of The Bear, more sex.

My friend Greg recommended a book to me yesterday, out of the blue, called Things Unseen, by Mark Buchanan. His followup to Your God Is Too Safe, Things is a book about being Heaven Bent while being Earth-bound. This is a subject very very close to my current situation, and I'm excited to read it. Thanks Greg.

2003-10-14T15:36:00.000-07:00
The Winter of My (dis)Content

I was in my kitchen on Saturday night, and caught myself looking through the window at the foggy street outside. It was dark, wet with fog and lit eerily by an orange streetlight. Words that had been unwelcome on Wednesday morning when a fellow at church had fiercely encouraged me to find something in my person to give thanks for, despite the enormous personal, spiritual and physical crisis I am walking through, came echoing back into my head. Although his delivery was uncomfortable and unwelcome, the message is still true. I found myself sitting in the dark, staring out at the fog, and giving thanks for the sense of security and warmth that it gave me. Only minutes before I had been weeping, begging to be let out of my pain.
I found myself journalling for more than an hour, simply talking to God about what he has blessed me with. It was an amazing conversation.

Only now have I found words to describe what it was like to stand (sit) at my kitchen window staring out at the fog (from Mark Buchanan):
There you are, standing at a window watching oak leaves flutter down from dark boughs, and without warning your whole body fills with a longing for something you can’t name, something you’ve lost but never had, that you’re nostalgic for yet don’t remember. You sense a joy so huge it breaks you, a sorrow so deep it cleanses.
A sorrow and longing for my heavenly dwelling so deep that it cleanses.

I have seen the light through the crack in my cell and for a moment it warmed my face. It still warms my soul.

For those who are wondering, I have now had two MRI's, and as yet have had no conclusive results to indicate the cause of my pain. Friday I meet with the neurologist again, and hopefully will know more.

2003-10-06T12:17:00.000-07:00
Community Notes...

jordoncooper writes:

I have been learning a lot about community lately. Basically why I don't like it very much. It isn't community. It is the controlling things we call community but that is for another time. I have really been looking at my own boundaries that I project fairly clearly. I don't like to be hugged. I don't handle compliments well and usually try to deflect them. I don't enjoy small groups. It is who I am. Those boundaries have been around for a long time but lately they have been challenged by some changes I am going through. First of all I had to think why I still kept them. I have always been considered aloof. I have never really thought of myself as that but if you talk to all of my friends they use the word "intimidated" a lot when they describe first meeting me.

I have been thinking about that and why I project that. Part of it is my personality type. I am an E/INTJ. That means I (and to a much lesser extent my friendGloria) are better than you. (I may or may not be kidding here). The other reason is that almost every person that was close to me left growing up. After a while you just learn that people leave. Just as I was getting over that issue, Wendy's parents cut of contact (ever get the feeling it is me, I do) and I found my barriers being reinforced.

Lately I have been noticing some cracks in my boundaries and to be honest, I haven't been that impressed.

Jordon goes on to talk about what it feels like to let down his guard and whom he allows in, and what settings, etc. You should read the whole bit under "Some Sunday Thoughts" on his Oct. 5th entry.

Pastor Ken covered community on Sunday night at Jacob's Well, and so I've been thinking about it a lot. Community is a biblical directive. A non-negotiable for Christians. In fact, though we could choose to take it or leave it, you can't make it as a Christian without some kind of authentic Biblical community. If this is so (and check out Acts 2:27--- for more insight), then what does our personality type have to do with joining community? Why should it even matter if community truly is not about us alone? I usually agree with Jordon, and to be honest I wasn't truly sure whether he came down for or against the reality of biblical community in his blog entry. But I get so irritated at people's excuses for community. "I'm not a people person." "I'm introverted, I meet God better alone." "I don't have time." "I've been hurt, so I try to have good boundaries." This last one I can understand a little better due to a recent painful conflict in my life with someone I lived with. Yeah, sometimes community can hurt. Actually, my personal experience was that the pain came from the realization of the lack of community when I thought that it wasn't lacking. Pain also comes from the breaking of community, when trust is broken.

Think about it like this. Say you're a person with a bad stutter. Talking is difficult, but the more you do it, the better you get. However, sometimes the talking leads to embarassment. Say you decide that since you've been embarassed once (or many times) talking is just not worth it. So you go through life completely mute, writing on notepads to communicate with others. You still have a kind of life, but it is limited and not at all the way life is originally intended to be experienced. You could say that talking is simply not something you're interested in, or you have a quieter personality, or you're just not into using your voice. You could even say that you don't have the time. None of those things changes the fact that talking is a necessary, life-enhancing, important part of life. And none of those things actually touches on the fact that you don't talk because you've been hurt sometime before.

Wierd analogy, but I think it fits. Bottom line: Community is not about us. It's about we. That means that it's both important for you, and important for the people around you, the people who are touched by your presence in the community.

2003-10-03T14:17:00.000-07:00
More thoughts!

When I first gave my life to Christ, I learned a word that is exclusive to Christians: brokenness. As I grew in my relationship with God and learned more about the faith, I felt that I understood what that word meant. I heard people say it a lot, and understood that it was a good thing that equates with humility and a minimization of Self before Christ. It has connotations of self-sacrifice and and identification with the Cross.
My current understanding of brokenness is, as expected through time and a deeper walk with God, a little deeper than my initial encounters with the word. But it's much deeper still; I never thought that I would understand brokenness from a place of personal humility, crisis and, well, brokenness. The word which was at first academic for me is now so vividly personal. I met with my pastor yesterday, a man who has walked with me from the first encounters with the physical pain that has rocked my world and turned my theology, plans and relationships upside-down. He knows from personal experience what it means to pray without ceasing and to live waiting for answers only to hear silence at the other end of the line. He told me yesterday as I sat, completely undone emotionally, in front of him, that my relationship with Christ is probably deeper now than he's ever seen me.
The bible goes on at length about the weakest people having the most, the first place in heaven, the most faith, etc... I've read those stories over and over again and simply cannot relate myself to them. I am not Paul, Job, Peter, Esther or any of the other Bible "heroes." It's strange that in the absolute lowest place in my life, where the physical pain has reached every secret place in my soul and where I feel like I have nothing at all... I am the strongest. I don't feel strong. I feel broken, lost, unusable by God.
I am aware that my struggle has had a big effect on those in my spiritual family. There are people in my church and in my ministry who are deeply challenged by the increasing, debilitating physical pain that I find myself in. I find myself struggling with that. I always wanted to be in the limelight as a kid and a teenager, and confess to the same tendencies in my adult life as well. I'm aware that just the mere fact that I have a disability and seem to have done so well despite that is a great witness to people. But here, in this place, I don't want to be that anymore. I don't like looking at the people I love and seeing hurt in their eyes because I'm hurting. It is so hard to see other people struggling because I am. It's enough to be in pain and broken myself; it's quite another to know that other people have to go through it too.
But what of the other side? What if people didn't struggle and hurt for me? What if Pastor Ken didn't take it so personally that I am still in pain, despite laying on of hands, anointing with oil, and days and days of perseverence in prayer? I think at that point I might feel that I must bear this burden alone, that I was the only person in the world who was struggling with this.
Not only do I have a deeper understanding of brokenness, but I think I have a deeper understanding of community as well.
Thank you to Art, Ken, Seth, Heather, Fariyal, Dean, Russ, Erin, DJ, Vicki D, and all of the "family" who are bearing this with me.

2003-10-03T13:47:00.000-07:00
A Few Thoughts

Proverbs 14:31
He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.

What would the world look like if we had a truly biblical outlook on poverty? Over and over again I come across the attitude in conservative Christianity that the poor deserve their poverty - they must be lazy, poor stewards, unwise, etc. The Bible even shows a touch of it:
Proverbs 10:4: Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth.
But I wonder what this verse would say if I could read it in its original language. Is there a different context for this word poor? This to me seems more like poverty as a result of poor decision making. The other verses above seem to hint more at a class or wealth divide irregardless of the stewardship. Our culture is all about the accumulation of wealth, station, and power, and as a result, the poor are not only lacking in material wealth, but stigmatized by societal attitude.
Proverbs 13:23: A poor man's field may produce abundant food, but injustice sweeps it away. It is not poverty that breeds poverty, but injustice that breeds poverty.
I wonder if the call on Christians to be "in the world and not of the world" applies here. We are called to not have attitudes that are of this world, but attitudes of Heaven. And wouldn't that mean elevating the poor from a place of disadvantage to a place of equality?
I know a great Christian man who feels that countries which have great beurocratic social welfare systems breed laziness. But is that our business at all? This man told me this in Northern Ireland, the only part of the United Kingdom which is not self-sufficient, for evident political and social reasons. It was incredible to me that he would tell me this when the young people we worked with were born into political warfare in the hottest areas of Belfast during the 'Troubles.' Aren't we responsible for the members of our communities? The bible calls on us to bring equality to the poor - and until we are able to change the minds and attitudes of western society toward poverty, it is important that we address the needs and causes of poverty itself.

2003-10-03T13:07:00.000-07:00
Ha Ha!
Here's a Joke for you:

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for$10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Calgary, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. " Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here? The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

All in good fun.

2003-09-25T19:49:00.000-07:00
Food for thought

Christ is the Master; the Scriptures are only the servant. The true way to test all the Books is to see whether they work the will of Christ or not. No Book which does not preach Christ can be apostolic, though Peter or Paul were its author. And no Book which does preach Christ can fail to be apostolic, although Judas, Ananias, Pilate, or Herod were its author.
... Martin Luther, Introduction to the New Testament

This to me is so interesting. It both gives us an impression of what to do about the other scriptures that have come up since the bible was compiled, and also gives a sense of redemption... the thought that if Pilate or Herod or Judas or me or Peter could write something that preached Christ crucified and resurrected, that too could be considered apostolic alongside some of the Biblical writings. There is none who are unredeemable. That is what sets Christianity apart, methinks.

2003-09-25T16:42:00.000-07:00
For all of my fans out there (grin) just wanted to update you health-wise. I'm on day three of pain levels less than 4 and I am so so glad!! I'm not sure what precipitated this break from the pain but I'm going to enjoy it while I can - I have an overwhelming sense of wariness about when the other shoe will drop!

2003-09-23T14:26:00.000-07:00
Ouch.

I don't care what side of the political spectrum you're on... read all the way through this comic and you'd have to be dead not to see some kind of link to our culture...

Link from miketodd.ca.

2003-09-23T12:13:00.000-07:00
More of my favourite people...
Awhile ago I posted about favourite people, that is, those who seem to just make your day sparkle. This week I have two among many, for I am learning in this place of desperation more about what Community is truly about.
First let me spotlight the four who helped me move some furniture last night. It's such a small thing, really, but since I can't move furniture myself, I have to invite other people to help me with it! Thanks to Jessica, Eva, Dave and DJ for helping out last night. I appreciate all of you.
Secondly, to my friend Shannon, who seems to sparkle every time I see her. Thanks for coming over and sharing lunch with me last week... to quote the movie Sister Act: "That girl is pure sunshine!"
There are many more, and I hope to write about you later this week. you are loved!

2003-09-23T12:01:00.000-07:00
It's been awhile, eh?
I don't currently have internet access at home so my blog is getting out of date fast! sorry out there to the audience of one who reads this.... I might be reconnecting with ADSL so stay tuned for more from the crazy mixed up world of jocelyn. For those who are unfamiliar with me and/or my life, I am a student at Simon Fraser University, a member of Cedar Grove Church in Surrey, BC, Canada, and currently am walking through a rather rough patch of life. My passions centre on creating and building community, especially but not exclusively among believers in Christ and on investigating how the church interacts with culture.
I am currently battling a currently mysterious physical problem which manifests itself in deep and excruciating pain in my leg. I am a wheelchair user and have been since childhood due to paralysis from a spinal cord tumour at birth. So... that makes the pain all the more interesting since I haven't ever had sensation in that leg at all! Wow. What an interesting world we live in. I am a student of Cell Biology and am constantly fascinated by the way our world interacts with itself - I can only speculate on how my own cells are currently misbehaving. It's interesting, but getting very old.
I am tired of this pain and ready for it to go away. However, I do believe that God knows what's going on and that He has a plan for right now. I just wish He would share it with me. People keep asking what God is telling me so that they can pray with me towards that end, but I feel helpless when I tell them that all I know definitively is that God told me four months ago that he was preparing me for something.
And so I continue, muddling through this rough patch, this "valley of Bacca," trying to spiritually make sense of what is going on with me. Thanks for sharing it with me.

2003-09-11T20:21:00.000-07:00
From the Vancouver Sun:
Thursday, Sept. 11th
Barbie Dolls Considered threat to morality in Saudi Arabia
...The Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, as the religious police are officially known, lists the dolls on a section of it's website devoted to items deemed offensive to the conservative Saudi interpretation of Islam.
Jewish Barbie dolls, with their revealing clothes and shameful postures, accessories and tools are a symbol of decadence to the perverted West. Let us beware of her dangers and be careful," said a message posted on the site.

2003-09-05T18:07:00.000-07:00
PERSONAL FABRICATION: A Talk with Neil Gershenfeld

We've already had a digital revolution; we don't need to keep having it. The next big thing in computers will be literally outside the box, as we bring the programmability of the digital world to the rest of the world. With the benefit of hindsight, there's a tremendous historical parallel between the transition from mainframes to PCs and now from machine tools to personal fabrication. By personal fabrication I mean not just making mechanical structures, but fully functioning systems including sensing, logic, actuation, and displays.

- a neat article about "fab labs" - somewhat portable fabrication labs set up in places where no such thing exists: rural India and northern Norway. A story about how high-tech machining instruments made portable has revolutionized the lives of the rural poor and geographically isolated.

2003-09-05T17:54:00.000-07:00
Fun and interesting:

Meredith's blog and The Social Justice Friends (her not-so-secret alter ego)

2003-09-05T17:34:00.000-07:00
Veddy Veddy Funny

Cat + Misunderstood southern accent in Chicago = pissed off cat.

check it out.

2003-09-05T17:10:00.000-07:00
My Favourite People:

For the next while (or as long as I keep meeting interesting people to write about) I will be featuring a few of my favourite people: those who display unique, endearing, inspiring or just plain fun qualities that deserve recognition!

Coffee Girl
Here's to the twenty-ish woman who is the lone staffer of the bean scene coffee hut near Everett Mall in Washington State. In the middle of a very hot, very busy afternoon, she served us with not only a smile, but great reccommendations and a terrific and genuine attitude. She was lots of fun to talk to and seemed to not be bothered by being stuck in a hot stuffy coffee hut on a stinking hot day surrounded by noisy traffic. Here's to people who create their own atmosphere.